Realization

Giselle was in my house. We were both sitting down on my sofa with a cup of tea.

“How is he doing?”

She was the only source I had for news concerning Christopher and how he was doing.

“He loves India. He  is learning Tamil and the people are so friendly he feels at home.”

I smiled sadly and sighed deeply. I tried to refrain from crying and I succeeded.

“So, what did the doctor say?” She asked me concerned.

“I’m not pregnant.” I started sobbing.

“Allie, I thought you didn’t want to be pregnant.” Giselle was completely confused by my reaction.

I put my mug on the coffee table and buried my head in my hands.

She hugged me to her and let me cry on her shoulder.

“I love him.” I said once I calmed down. “That’s why I would have loved having a part of him growing in me. I was scared at first, but after all the signs were there I just felt like everything was going to be fine.”

Apparently we didn’t use a condom when we had sex in my car. I had been late,  I was cranky, my boobs hurt like hell and I genuinely thought I was pregnant. I wasn’t.

“I can’t believe it took a pregnancy scare to make me realize that I love him. It’s too late now. He’s gone!” I said hopelessly. “He will never take me back.”

“You may never know.” Giselle tried to support me.

“I want him. I want him all the time. I want to give him my heart. I just don’t….” I took a deep breath. “I think about him all the time. I want to be with him. I want to be his woman. I want to be the one he comes home to after a long day at work, the one he tells everything to, the one he will love forever. I want it all. The 2.5 children, the picket fence and the dog.” I sobbed. I was responsible for my own unhappiness.

I hated myself. If I felt empty it was all my fault.