Even Lovers Drown CH 12

Later that evening, Olivia was seated on the floor in her living room. Her coffee table was her impromptu desk tonight. She worked for hours,  making notes and filing papers away into several folders scattered before her while reviewing some of the firm’s caseloads.

After all, the better she kept her mind occupied, the better for her, period.

There was light enough from both the table lamp behind her and the tv across the room to light her space with a cool fluorescent glow. It suited her mood better than the warm lights of the wall sconces. Cool and efficient - that was all she needed to be these days.  Anything else might prove to be hazardous to her health.

As usual, she had the channel set to one that was all-news. Its volume was set low, just enough for the voices to keep her company, but not enough to interfere with her thoughts.

After a time, something - something that she would never know -  managed to pierce her concentration. Olivia looked up just as the current talking head spoke the president’s name. That must have been what had caught her attention. She reached for the remote control and turned up the sound.

“Sources say that President Grant is seeking a diplomatic solution if it’s at all possible regarding the hostages - but other anonymous sources have made it clear that the opinion of those who are working behind the scenes is that they are certain that the president will not hesitate to use force if it becomes necessary.”

The screen switched to the image of one the of White House correspondents. Recognizing him, Olivia  sat up straighter and paid closer attention, analyzing his words - she knew how the commentator game was played.

“We’re live at the White House, as President Grant is about to give an unscheduled briefing to the American people. There are many who are surprised at the break of tradition, while others are declaring it no surprise at all. Fitzgerald Grant had always promised as much transparency as he could in the defense of national security.”

The first commentator broke in. “And as much as some might want to discredit him, these are some of the promises he made during his campaign. Transparency balanced with the protection of our nation. President Grant has always sought a balance between the two.”

The screen switched to the podium of the White House press room. Moments later he came striding in with that familiar peculiar rhythm to his steps. Olivia felt a pang of remembrance. She had never failed to be affected at the litheness in his walk.

In an impeccable tailored suit, with her beloved american pin in his lapel, the president took his place behind the podium. He paused there for a minute, looking about to see who his live audience would be. The group of reporters poised themselves, ready to begin hurling questions at him.

Fitzgerald Grant shook his head slightly as he raised both hands. That brought a wave of half-whispered murmurs and questions among the reporters. He waited until they fell into a respectable silence.

“I am not taking questions at this time. “ he began. “What I am here for is to ensure that the American people understand very clearly what is going on and what I plan to do.”

He turned his gaze from the reporters and looked directly into one of the cameras as he fully prepared to share his thoughts with the nation. The camera’s view zoomed in to show the upper part of his body in an almost full facial shot.

Olivia felt a pang in her heart as she found herself able to feel the intensity in his gaze. Unbidden, she couldn’t help but remember how he had once looked on her with that same diamond-sharp focus.

Her body and heart remembered all too well as echoes of his glances rippled through her body with a sensation that was half-pleasure and half-pain.

She knew that not only for her heart’s sake but for her soul’s ache, she should change the channel. She couldn’t bring herself to do it

. His image was as it always was, strong, confident; his voice deep enough to be commanding, but it held a gentle strength in it that the American people could take refuge in. The thick curls on his head were combed back and tamed, its naturally unruliness captured in place as always.

But she could remember how loose those curls could be when her fingers ran through it; how a few particular locks would always fall over his brow - his “Superman curl” she always called it...  It had made the both of them laugh and his laughter had always filled her with such joy...

His voice filled her now. “We will not bow down to naked tyranny and aggression. We will not surrender to intimidation. Yet at the same time, we want to make it clear that we are always open to hear those who feel that their voices are silenced. Because all voices matter.

“But know this - this is not the path to peace and understanding. Dialogue, not hostage-taking or extortion is what is necessary now.”

While he continued to speak, what he was saying blurred the past and the present until Olivia heard other words.  They were so strong in her mind that she dared not close her eyes lest she see him in all the ways she loved him. Strong, compassionate, the way he used to look at her with all the love in the world in his eyes.

It was enough to hear his voice, the way it dropped down to an intimate rumble that never failed to make her insides quiver. How many times had she heard it?

“Just one minute....”

“You own me! I belong to you!... I love you...I’m in love with you...You are the love of my life...”

“So, we are in this together.”  “We’re in this together.” She’d had no choice but to echo his truth.

“Tell me to stop calling you - tell me you don’t want to hear from me.”

Hearing the words he’d once spoken only to her superimposed on what was actually being said by the image on the screen gave Olivia a sense of unreality that she found hard to shake.

Just like then, in the here and now, she had no ready answer, but this time  she knew that he wouldn’t call her. More than likely, he would never speak to her again. And she’d more than earned his enmity.

Olivia knew - more than any people knew - how much the knowledge of Defiance had to have crushed him.

Cyrus had been the one to point it out and there was nothing there for her to argue against. Some men were destined to be great, he’d explained to her once. It didn’t mean they were meant to be happy.

Be-damned she was if she couldn’t see what he was saying. His words were fresh in her mind tonight. Her heart ached as she acknowledged the part she’d played in it all - no matter what reasons she’s had at the time.

Knowing what they had, she knew all too well how much the knowledge of her betrayal had hurt him. That’s what he had named it to her face. She knew that had had to hurt had and she was defenseless before it, having nothing to deny it with. Her guilt in his eyes was justified and nothing she could deny or refute.

But he had never given her a chance to explain. Unfair - but life was unfair...

Knowing all of this - feeling all of this, Olivia still couldn’t tear her eyes away from the image of his. For a moment it wasn’t President Grant she was seeing. It wasn’t Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III.

All she saw, all she heard was her Fitz. It was her Fitz standing before her; relaxed and happy as he used to be whenever he was with her. The way he stood a little straighter, shone a little brighter as he took the strength and support from her that she always was willing to give.

They could be standing across the opposite ends of an auditorium, and all it took was a single glance to feel the bond between them. They could be as close as they were on the day of his father’s funeral and all it did was confirm how much they meant to one another and it had been so easy to believe that they would always be there for one another.

It could be the very first night they had spent together, when they had found something together that they both had thought was only the stuff of fairy tales.

It was his voice reassuring her that he loved her, that she was the love of his life, that he would never let her go.

“Tell me what to do.”

His voice was like warm honey in her ear. She was always telling him that he shouldn’t be calling, but the truth was, she couldn’t stay away from him any more than he could from her.

“Let me go.”

As much as it would hurt, she knew it was the best for the both of them. More him than her, but that was all right.That was the only reason she’s said it. Even if it was a lie. Truthfully, she wanted him to never, ever let her go.

“Anything but that.”

His words were only her heart’s desire. She had never told him that. Now she never would.

Maybe it had been something that had never needed saying. He couldn’t walk away from her any more than she could. Only he was brave enough, strong enough, to say it aloud.

They were in this - together. There was no denying that what they felt for one another - it was love. Love in all its magnificence, and all of its  crazy, life-changing explosiveness that had burst unexpectedly  into both of their lives with the force with a thousand suns. It had been everything she had ever dreamed of and had never believed it could happen. She’d had it all.

Until her lies - her betrayal - had blown them apart.