Even Lovers Drown  CH 14

Her bedroom was draped in shadowy shades of deep bluish-grays when the phone rang. Olivia’s eyes snapped open as she felt herself slide upwards from a floating dreamlessness to being jarringly alert and awake in the dark. Not only awake but aware - with no rhyme or reason - of who was on the other end of the line. Her skin rippled into goosebumps with the surety of it all.

Trying to calm the sudden racing of her heart, she drew in a deep breath. Olivia knew every single reason why she shouldn’t answer. Woulda, shoulda, coulda - she could name each and every reason why she shouldn’t - why she couldn’t - answer the phone.  Yet she couldn’t say that she wouldn’t. Not one of the million and one reasons why she shouldn’t answer stopped her hand from reaching out.

That same hand trembled slightly as she lifted the receiver. Apprehension filled her insides and set her whole body to trembling, knowing fear that while she didn’t know what to expect - she knew that whatever it was, she would accept it.

She deserved whatever harsh words he felt necessary to say, no matter how much they would hurt.

Olivia hadn’t known how much of him she had destroyed when she had turned against him  until it was done. Cyrus had told her that Fitz wouldn’t be able to take it. That it would break him, change him.

Not until the truth had come to her at Verna’s funeral. Not until he’d taken her in the electrical closet after Ella’s christening.  Only then, when he had made it clear in their last encounter that he could only see her actions as a betrayal of the highest sort.

She'd thought she’d seen Fitz in all of his moods; how his eyes changed with every one of them - anger, sorrow, in laughter, desire and love. But never the deadness that had filled them when he looked down at her and told her that they were done. When he put what they’d done in the crudest of terms, stripping away all vestiges of love. She was a traitor and They. Were. Done.

Betrayal hadn’t been her motivation. It had never been. At the time, she had thought it best to help him achieve what he had wanted for so long. Everyone else involved had had their own agendas and couldn’t see past their own ambitions to see him truly for the man that he was - not even his own wife, let alone the others that surrounded him as his so-called inner circle.

But while her intentions had been good; the method had betrayed him beyond repair.

Pain was her penance - the pain that she lived with every day, even though she shielded it from the world during the day and  drank it away all too often at night.

But now, in the darkest hours of the night, when all was shadowed and still - the walls she’d put up to protect her heart melted into nothingness. And waiting, crouched like a hungry beast,was the pain. Olivia opened herself to it, telling herself it was no more than she deserved. And so she steeled herself, even as she pressed the phone to her ear.

Silence met her. She waited, heart heavy in her chest. The silence continued. Then there was the clink of ice against a glass, followed by the heavy sound of his breathing, harsh and ragged.

It broke her heart all over again to know that she had done this to him. That his father - that bastard who had raised him to think that he had been never been good enough for his love and approval - that what she had done had - in Fitz’s mind - proved he had been right.

She had known in her heart that Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III was more than well-suited for the job of President of the United States. But she had allowed her emotions dictate her actions, forgetting who he was for what she believed he wanted most.

Grief surged up - a harsh mixture of anguish and regret - and it choked her in its with unexpected intensity. Her throat tightened up with remembered sorrow, regret and pain, making it impossible for her to speak a single word. But after all, really, what was there for to say?

She closed her eyes against the sudden searing ache in her throat, totally unaware of the tiny sigh of pain that whispered its way past her lips.

Lying there in the darkness, she opened them again to stare into the shadows once more, forcing herself to face the ruins that she had created.

She heard his breath again across the miles that separated them. It had quickened in its intensity but the raggedness remained.  Tears formed in her eyes unbidden as she suddenly knew that the pain was shared.

His heart ached, just like her own and she was as sure of it as if he were standing there before her, her eyes looking deep into his own.

It all fell into place; the reason for the silence was that sometimes heartache couldn't be put into words. That didn't make it any less real or take away any amount of the hurt.

As strange as that might be, that thought that they shared this pain, this heart - no, soul-ache - held its own strange measure of comfort. Olivia refused to question it; instead she opened herself fully to it.

The result was an easing of the sharp pain inside her. She felt her own breath slow while the pain in her chest mercifully receded. Olivia closed her eyes, stealing a few moments of peace from the sound of his breathing. She could only hope that Fitz could do the same.

They lay there in the dark; together and yet still so far apart. Parted by more than distance, held together by such a simple thing as the act of breathing.

The minutes ticked by and it came to her suddenly that an oasis of peace had descended on them. Her trembling had eased and her heart had slowed. And so had - she was certain in this - so had his.

Their breathing was in sync.

Somehow, she found herself knowing that it was so. That once again, in the way that they had found themselves sharing the same thoughts and feelings, that the same was happening to him. She was not unwilling; she would offer him comfort in any way that she could.

Here in the dark, alone and not alone, Olivia felt a peace that she hadn’t felt since the last time she had held him in her arms.

The silent minutes continued to slide by, unremarked in their passing, each of them content to rest in the now only.

Inside this tiny space of calm, she dared to reach out.

“...Fitz?” Olivia didn’t care that her voice trembled. It was just enough to say his name. She spoke softly into the quiet hush of the night, her voice almost a whisper. “Fitz...?”

The silence was soundless thunder between them. But not enough that Olivia didn’t hear his breathing hitch unexpectedly - a single breath out of rhythm with the rest. Then came the click of the receiver that ended the call.

Olivia slowly returned the phone to its headset. As if in a dream, she curled herself around her pillow, clutching it tightly as tears streamed silently down her face.

Despite her resolve, broken sobs filled the silence as all she could think of was how they used to be and how she’d lost it all.