Even Lovers Drown CH 16

It was a cool and rainy night and once again, Fitz found himself working late hours. It was close to midnight, but he didn’t care. It didn’t matter - Fitz couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a full night’s rest. At least he’d remembered to send home the people of his personal staff who were not absolutely essential personnel.

Fitz shut his eyes as the thought sent a pang of memory went through him; she had started many a phone conversation with her reminding him of who had to stay whenever he stayed up late to call her.

It had become an on-going personal and private joke between them. That was no longer true. Before the echo of her voice insinuated its way into his head, Fitz forced his mind away.

The effort that it took made him angry - the thought was irrational and he knew it - but it didn’t make the feeling any less intense.

When would his mind stop linking everything he did or thought or felt - to her?

Fitz was seated on one of the couches in the Oval Office; a glass and decanter close at hand. Without thinking, he reached for it and took a large swallow. The familiar burn in his throat helped to refocus his mind.

There was a soft rap at the door; he recognized it. “Come in, Louise.” he called out.

She stepped inside just a little. “He’s here, sir.”

“Thank you, Louise.” he said with as much of a smile he could master. “It’s Michaels on Marine guard tonight, isn’t it? Let him know that he’s not to let anyone else through until I tell him otherwise and then you go on home. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Louise asked if he was sure about her leaving; he insisted and was rewarded by a grateful smile before telling him goodnight. She showed the visitor through the door and then closed it behind me.

A genuine, if tired, smile came to Fitz’s face. It grew as the man before him was stepping forward, his eyes bright with appreciation as he looked around. Fitz stood up and came around his desk to meet him halfway.

The man, dressed in navy blues, grinned at Fitz. “Every time I come here, I remember how not-surprised I was to hear that you were running for president - and how not-surprised I was to hear that you won.”

He came to a halt before Fitz and drew himself up in proper military order. “Captain Jacob Ballard; reporting, sir.” he said, throwing a textbook salute.

Fitz shook his head, the smile still on his face. “At ease, captain.”

They reached out for a handshake, then each of them pulled the other into a brief but heartfelt embrace.

“Jake.” Fitz said his name with genuine affection. The warmth of their old friendship washed over him like flames from a fireplace, relaxing muscles that Fitz hadn’t even realized had been tensed from stress. “It’s good to see you - now sit down and have a drink with me.”

“Sir?”

Fitz had reached the tray with the decanter; he turned back to the captain and handed him an empty glass. “We are drinking tonight.”

As he walked back to retrieve his own glass, he said. “It’s not like this is the first time you and I have shared a drink, Jake.”

“If I recall, we have never shared a drink.” Jake Ballard shook his head to correct him. “I think the drink minimum was at least five.”

Fitz splashed an equal amount of scotch into both glasses. “I think you’re right.”

They smiled at one another and then the two glasses chimed softly as they brought them together. Fitz gestured and they sat, each of them on of the couches facing one another in the sitting area.

“Mr. President...” Ballard began.

Fitz held up a hand. “Outside, in public, that’s understandable and that’s fine. Behind closed doors when it’s just me and you - well, I’m still Fitz.”

He took a swallow and stared at the other man until he gave in.

“Yes, sir - I mean - okay.” he shook his head. “Fitz.”

Fitz relaxed into the cushions. He needed someone that he could talk to, that he could just be himself with. That obviously couldn’t happen with the other people currently surrounding him. They’d shown him that they couldn’t be trusted.

Every. Single. One. Of. Them. No wonder his body stayed tense all the time.

“- Fitz. Did you call me here about my assignment?” Jake asked. “There’s nothing new there to report.”

“Did you up the surveillance?” Fitz asked. Inwardly, he asked himself what the hell did he think he was doing, but he had no answer.

Jake, however, did. “Yes, I ‘ve had security video cameras in place as of three weeks ago.”

“How is she?” He hated himself, but at the same time, Fitz couldn’t stop himself from asking.

Jake shrugged. “She works a lot, comes home and works some more. Watches pretty else nothing else but news shows. She stays pretty much to herself.” He hesitated.

“What?” Something in Fitz came alert.

“Nothing, really. It’s about the whole staying pretty much to herself thing. It doesn’t seem like she sees much of anybody when she’s not working. In all the weeks I’ve been watching her, she’s only gone out once - to an art exhibit - but that was it. She - seems lonely, sometimes. And sad.”

Fitz didn’t answer; he couldn’t think of anything to say. He steeled his heart against hearing about Olivia’s sadness. She’d earned it all on her own.

“So far, I haven’t seen any real reason to keep such a close eye on her. Maybe if you told me what I was looking for?” his voice trailed off in a question.

Fitz didn’t know what he was looking for either.  Stalling, he stood up and refilled their glasses.

“Olivia Pope is not what she seems. She’s strictly a behind the scenes operator, but even from the shadows, she’s a powerful player. She’s a crisis manager which means that she knows where a lot of the bodies are buried and well, that makes her a concern of national security.”

“She worked on your presidential campaign, didn’t she?”

Fitz took a gulp of his drink. Another memory he wanted to be dead and buried.

“She did. That means I got to see up close and-” he paused as the next word came to his lips. “ - up close and personal what a game-changer she can be and what she’s capable of.”

He had to force himself away from the other thoughts that came with that. The other thoughts that reminded him of the tenderness she was capable of, the loyalty and the love that had been in her eyes whenever she’d looked at him... Stop it - he commanded himself.

“Believe me when I tell you, Olivia is someone you want to keep a close eye on. Especially when she’s no longer in your camp.”

“No longer in your camp?” Jake lifted an eyebrow at that. “Do you think she’s actively working against you now?”

Talk about a loaded question. As far as Fitz was concerned everyone he’d surrounded himself with was working against him now.

But now, as it often did, his feelings argued with reality. If the people around him hadn’t been precisely against him, they were still guilty of putting their own agendas before his. Not precisely a capital offense, but he’d be lying to himself if there weren’t times that he wished that it was.

“Not necessarily.” In his heart, Fitz believed that Olivia would never actively go against him. There was that one time concerning Amanda Tanner, but that had been with provocation from him.

At the same time, there’d been once upon a time that Fitz had also believed that she would never, ever - not in a million years - work behind his back.

And how wrong had he been about that?

“Not necessarily.” Fitz repeated. “But in the event current circumstances happens to change that, I need to know about it first thing.”

His answer seemed to satisfy the younger man.  Jake nodded. “If it does, you’ll be the first to know.”

A moment of guilt went through Fitz as they changed the subject and chatted idly about mutual acquaintances - who was stationed where, who’d been promoted and other easy subjects.

Fitz realized how much he’d missed this kind of easy contact. Some of that emotion must have shown on his face, because he looked up to see Jake looking at him with an odd expression on his face.

“Are you okay?” Jake asked.

Fitz attempted a smile, but he could feel how weak it was. “I’m okay - as well as anyone could be in the crown jewel of the American prison system.”

That made them both smile.

It also gave Fitz the strength to let down his walls a little. “You come into something like this, knowing that your life is going to change. But I don’t think anyone is prepared for the isolation that comes with the office.”

Jake looked at him sympathetically. If he only knew, Fitz thought to himself. He was more alone than he had ever thought he would be. His wife, Cyrus - Olivia...

For a moment, he questioned his motives. Guilt touched his next words. “Maybe I shouldn’t have called you into this.”  he said. “We go way back, you and I and... I don’t want you to feel - I don’t want to feel like I’m taking advantage of our friendship.”

Jake shook his head. “You asked me to do something - I’m glad to do it. You could have ordered anyone else to do this. I want you to know that it means a lot to me that you trust me enough to call me in to help. Whether it’s Fitz or the president that I’m doing it for doesn’t matter - I’ll do it. I’m doing it. I’ll continue to do it until you tell me not to.”

This time, Fitz’s smile was genuine and filled with gratitude. It felt good, remembering what it was like to have a friend in your corner just because that’s where they wanted to be.

But that didn’t mean that the choices he was making didn’t make him feel as though his soul didn’t die just a little bit more.

He reached for his drink and gulped it down, with the intentions of drowning the emotions that still lingered in his heart. Fitz told himself that he couldn’t afford them - not any more. He couldn’t let his heart blind him to the painful reality his world had become.