Even Lovers Drown CH 22

There was no phone call that night. Or the night after that. Olivia surprised herself when she realized that she'd been waiting for it, wanting it, almost needing it.

Tired in her mind as well as her soul, Olivia decided to make it an early night. She shut off the tv and took herself and a bottle of chocolate wine to bed. Maybe if she drank enough, she could get some sleep.

Before settling herself into the plump pillows on her bed, she switched on her bed side radio. Which after a moment, she started wondering if that had been the best idea. It was late enough in the evening that the Howard University's radio station had started its Quiet Storm session.

And a quiet storm was the right phrase for what was happening inside her.

She wouldn't allow herself the luxury of lying to herself. Olivia had promised herself that she would move on. There was nothing she could do about the fact that Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III had pushed her out of his life.

He'd had every right to.

Did he?

She couldn't argue with his reasons why.

But why hadn't he at least given her the chance to explain?

Everyone else seems to have gotten a free pass on Defiance. Mellie was still the First Lady, Cyrus - still Chief of Staff. Verna might be dead, but she'd died as a Supreme Court Justice and that had been a goal in life. Even Hollis Doyle was still going on his merry way.

But only she, Olivia Carolyn Pope, had been banished from Camelot.

She reached for her bottle and poured herself another glass.

It wasn't fair.

Life's not fair... His voice slid into her mind like fresh warm honey.

"Get out of my head." she muttered out loud.

Olivia took a large swallow from her glass, letting the silky chocolatey taste slide past her lips and across her tongue. It was so warm and smooth that she closed her eyes to make its enjoyment last longer. She did her best to concentrate on that. Anything so that she wouldn't think of him.

Her eyes opened, then involuntarily flicked to the phone.

She licked her lips slowly, savoring the sweet aftertaste of the rich red wine notes in it. The taste reminded her of sweet stolen moments in time, of the way his body tasted against her lips; the smoothness of the muscles beneath his skin, the contrast of that with the slight roughness of the hair on his chest.

It wasn't fair!

One simple - all right - not so simple - kiss had shaken the walls she had carefully put in place after the scene - the non-scene - they'd had at Verna's funeral. The time when she realized that he knew about Defiance and her role in it.

They'd crumbled into nothingness after the day of Ella's christening and she'd worked so hard to rebuild them since then. And now they lay as dust at her feet.

Olivia drank deep from her glass again, welcoming the release the wine gave her. One song ended, blending effortlessly into the next, taking her thoughts with it. The mix of sensuous mix of vocals and saxophone pouring over her was making her feel - she closed her eyes and sighed out loud - she didn't know what she felt any more.

In her head, she was hearing the soft and low wordless growl of desire he always made right before he brought his lips down on hers. If she closed her eyes, she could feel his touch, his hands on her, the way he could make her mindless with a simple kiss.

She still couldn't get that kiss out of her mind. Olivia opened her eyes wide, trying in vain to banish her treacherous thoughts. She couldn't.

Her body wouldn't let her. And neither would her heart.

All from a not so simple kiss.

She drained her glass, then before she could think about it, poured another one.

Stop thinking about him - they were over, she told herself sternly. What had happened between them was nothing more than a memory gone wrong. Cyrus had told her that he was under more strain than usual, that the doctors had told them that a memory lapse here and there was pretty much a standard side effect from a shot from the head.

That and that alone was the only reason he'd kissed her.

Even so, the memory of his mouth on hers still echoed inside her with a bittersweet pang.

As if her body's reaction wasn't betrayal enough, the phone chose that moment to ring. Her heart began to pound while Olivia stared at it. She knew without even having to think about it, who was on the other end of the line.

Olivia clenched her fist shut for a second, trying to still the shiver that had coursed through her. Then she stiffened her shoulders and picked up the receiver.

As she had expected, silence was the only thing that greeted her.

The music played; the wine was smooth on her tongue as she drank. A strange sense of relief came over her as she met his silence with her own. Olivia closed her eyes as she shifted her body into a more comfortable position against her bed's upholstered headboard.

The silence was warm this time. Instead of the hurt and regret that usually filled it, this time was different.

This time there was an odd sort of comfort in it. It was odd, she thought, that she should feel that way. She refused to think about the reasons why.

She refused to think at all.

Instead, Olivia reached over and turned off the lamp on her nightstand.

Now it was just her, her wine, the music and moonlight.

And Fitz.

The quiet storm flowed over her, lessening the storm that was in her. The clink of the iced drink on his end was joined by the soft swallow of wine on hers.

Even if they were no longer together, tonight she could pretend that they were. And so, she said nothing that would break the illusion.

As the music played on, neither did he.

The silence between them was enough. The music said it all.

What brought Olivia out of her reverie were the lyrics of the first song of the third long song-mix. It spoke of everything they used to be - everything they'd hoped to be. Every word of love he'd ever spoken to her was full of it.

It filled her with courage she didn't know she needed up until this very moment.

Olivia shifted the phone against her ear. When she spoke, her voice quiet, hushed even. The music a sweet and soulful background to the words her soul was compelled to speak. It wasn't even so much the words, as to just talk to him. To know he was at least willing to listen.

"Hi."

Silence answered her.

But he didn't hang up.

She didn't know what else she was going to say until the words were coming out of her mouth. It didn't matter. Olivia had no intentions of begging or pleading. She'd made her apologies and she was done with those too.

Because she had her pride too. She was hurt too. And even though she'd missed him terribly, they couldn't really talk - not as equals - until he was ready to talk - to listen. And they weren't there yet. They were a long way aways from that.

"I couldn't sleep either." she said. Again her heart thumped heavily in her chest. Her throat tightened a little waiting for the disconnect she half-expected and half-dreaded.

Instead, the silence on his end took on some new un-nameable quality. Olivia could have sworn she felt the change as it happened - and nothing - including her gut - could convince her that she wasn't right.

"My head, my heart - they're all mixed up right now. I think that I lost focus about what was wrong and what was right a long time ago." she said.

"In the light of day, everything seems so cut and dried. There's the reality of what has happened. There's the facts that this is what's happened and these are the consequences I need to accept; this the penance I have to pay. But in the night- it's exactly the opposite. It's like logic sets with the sun, my heart rises with the evening star while my soul rises with the moon.

"But I'm working on that." Her heart slowed and the peace that had came to her earlier returned. "I hope you are doing the same. However you need to do it - even if it's without me - I hope you are getting better."

Words spoken long ago resonated in her mind.

"We can't do this."

"I know. I can't talk to you, I can't see you..."

"Pretend I'm somebody you hate."

But back then, they'd known that could never be. They had never saw a time when that wasn't true. But here they were. And as far she knew, now he really did hate her.

She wished she could. Even while Olivia recognized that she never could truly hate him, she wished that she could. It would make certain things that much easier.

A part of her wanted to cry. Wanted to release the control she always held on herself, break down and admit how very much she missed him. Needed him and wanted him. Wanted to beg him to come back to her. Wanted him to beg her to come back to him.

Yet she couldn't. Not only for herself, but for Fitz himself. She will not beg. But the truth was spoken nonetheless.

"I want you to be well - I need for you to be well."

But still, he said nothing. And Olivia found that there was nothing else she could find to say in the moment. There was nothing left for her to say - and yet that was all right.

And the music played on. Of lovers lost and times gone by.

In the now, time passed, flowing like a river, and with it, came a growing sense of peace; peace she hadn't been able to find for a very long time now. It was shared, she knew.

Even through the tears that threatened to fall, she smiled.

"I think I can sleep now." Olivia said. That much was true, she wasn't ready to admit anything else.

"I hope you can too." It was all the goodbye she had in her. "Fitz, I really do want that for you."

What she didn't - what she couldn't say was that it was because she still loved him - that her love for him still - and always - wanted the best for him. Even if that meant a life without her.

Something made her hesitate for just a moment before she hung up.

In the days to come, Olivia would be glad that she had.

"Good night... Olivia."

He would never know what those three words would mean to her.

"Good night... Fitz."

This time they hung up at the same time.

Olivia closed her eyes; before she drifted off, her last conscious thought hoped that Fitz could do the same.

And unexpectedly, a smile graced her lips as it followed her into a peaceful sleep that was long overdue.