Even Lovers Drown CH 26

“There’s a reason why I don’t let Cyrus work on Sundays.” James said to Olivia as he opened the door. “Maybe I should just point at you as an example and then there would be no need for me to say another word.”

“Hello to you too, James.” Olivia said as she stepped inside. Working around the brightly colored bags she held in each hand, they hugged in greeting.

“I mean it.” James said. “You’re almost as bad as he is. You work those pretty little manicured fingers to the bone 24/7 and look at the result.”

“It wouldn’t work - I learned all of my bad habits from him and he knows it.” More amused than annoyed, Olivia looked at him, her expression almost daring him to going on.

“And you can just take that expression off of your face, because yes, I am going to say it -” James said as he closed the door behind her.  “The fact of the matter is that you look like you hardly slept at all - even at the end of a long weekend.”

Olivia realized that she couldn’t really argue with James; as hard as she did work during the days to keep herself busy - the nights were too often a totally different story. Her mind wouldn't turn itself off, her thoughts were on a loop, replaying past moments of her life that she didn’t want to remember anymore.

But they wouldn’t go away, so she knew that that was why she couldn’t summon the strength to argue with James. Damn it, she thought, Cyrus’ husband was right.

Olivia managed a smile. “Well, that’s why I’m here - I’m sure that a visit with my god-daughter will help.”

She held up her bags. “And I come bearing gifts.”

“What is it this time, toys, dresses, or hair accessories?” James asked as he led her in the direction of the back yard.

“A little of everything.” Olivia admitted, smiling a guilty little smile. She had never realized how much fun it was shopping for a little girl. Another thought tried to rise up in her mind, but she squashed it down ruthlessly before it could begin to take shape.

“Well, at least that’s one thing I won’t have to worry about.” James said. “Our daughter will grow up with an excellent sense of fashion and style - and she’ll need a walk-in closet before she’s ten.”

“I planned to have that in place by the time she gets to kindergarten.”

They laughed together.

“I bought sleepy-time books too, of course,  but you should see what else I bought.” She went on to describe her favorite finds as they walked through the house. One of them was this plush little lion that even Olivia - high-heeled, high-powered gladiator in a suit - had fallen in love with.

“...The mane is so silky and lush and full, I’m betting Ella will want to brush his hair for hours and hours...” Olivia heard the enthusiasm in her own voice and stopped to laugh at herself. “Listen to me, I sound so silly!”

“So you fell in love with a toy. Well, color me surprised, Ms. Pope. Of course I think you are just trying to re-live your own girlish fantasies through my daughter.” James half-mocked her, but his eyes were filled with approval.

“And this is a bad thing?” Olivia asked, knowing the answer.

“Definitely not.” he answered.

They came to a hallway that led off to to the kitchen.

“I’ve got to see to some things in the kitchen - you know the way.” James waved her on towards the back of the house and went off towards the kitchen.

She did, and a few minutes later, she’d reached the french doors leading into the back-yard and stepped outside.

Few knew that Cyrus Beene had a passion for gardening. The back yard was lush with fresh smelling foliage and flowers, with a great swath of smooth green lawn in the middle. Cultivating life was his atonement for the death and destruction he spread, he used to joke cynically.

It was a bit early for the flowers to be in full bloom, but the mark of a master gardener was evident, for where the flowers were still lying dormant, multi-hued plants and bushes dominated the area and made patterns to please the eye.

The sun was climbing overhead, and it was just the right time of day and the year to enjoy the first warm breaths of spring. Friday and Saturday had been cooler and rainy, so today was a pleasant surprise.

Instead seating themselves at the more formal arrangement of wrought iron tables and chairs situated at one side of the yard, there were a few blankets and body-pillows tossed into a casual circle. James’ doing, no doubt.

Cyrus was seated on one of them, Ella cradled in his lap, giggling as he read her a story from a book. He looked up to flash a smile at Olivia before he went back to his storytelling.

Olivia slipped off her shoes and settled close by, content to not say a word.

No one would believe the sight before her unless they saw it with their own eyes. Cyrus Beene, the terror of the D.C. government scene and the president’s personal political dragon, sitting shoeless and tieless on a blanket, making nonsense noises and singing.

Olivia couldn’t help but laugh - but it was good laugher - happy laughter that banished some of the shadows in her soul. Cyrus - who she knew had not been as keen on having a child as James had been - looked happy - just like any new dad would.

He finished with a flourish, causing Ella to laugh with glee. She reached up and patted her father’s cheeks with both tiny hands, giggling again as he kissed each palm.

He looked over to Olivia. He gave her a look. “Don’t say it.”

“Say what?” Olivia asked in all innocence. “I’m laughing with you, not at you.”

“Sure, that’s what you say today. Tomorrow, it’s back to the arenas and I just gave you ammunition.”

“That is something that we will not discuss today.” she said.

“That is something that we will not discuss today.” Cyrus agreed. He paused before changing the subject. “I thought you liked rainy spring days.”

“I do.”

“You used to say you used them to unplug, unwind and recharge.”

“I do.”

“Then why do you look like you haven’t slept a full night’s sleep in the last few?” he countered. “This should have been a perfect time to rest up for you.”

Olivia knew better than to lie to Cyrus; the man was far too observant and knew her far too well to lie to.

“Because I haven’t.” Olivia told him. She sighed a little. “James said the same. But I could say the same about you.”

“You would be right, I haven’t either, but at least I know the reasons why.” Cyrus said. “Not to mention sharing late-night baby patrol.” he joked unexpectedly. They both laughed, but his eyes stayed on her, measuring and evaluating.

Olivia found herself hesitating, suddenly unsure if she wanted to tell Cyrus about the late night phone calls from Fitz. She’d already betrayed his confidence once; she didn’t have the strength,  the will or the heart to do it again. So in the end, she said nothing.

But Cyrus, as discerning as ever, looked at her closely with eyes as wise as an owl. In a rare moment, he let down his armor. “What is it, Olivia? What’s got you so out of sync with yourself? Or do I even need to ask?”

Feeling his penetrating gaze on her, Olivia refused to meet his cool blue eyes.

The only answer he got was a tiny shake of her head. No, he didn’t need to ask. That was also something that they were not going to discuss today.

There wer much better things to concentrate on. Olivia reached out her arms for Ella. Still refusing to look at him, she kept her eyes focused on the little girl.

Thankfully, Cyrus didn’t pursue the conversation; instead handed his daughter over and the two of them smiled as she greeted Olivia with a sweet and happy, welcoming smile.

“I never would have thought that little girl would bring so much sunshine into my life.”

Not trusting herself to speak, Olivia closed her eyes as she hugged her close. Feeling the little girl’s arm wrap themselves firmly around her neck, Olivia found her eyes sting with unexpected tears.

“Funny how an unexpected love can change everything in a minute.” Cyrus said quietly. “I wasn’t onboard with this, not 100%, not the way James was - but then, there she was and I lost my heart before I could think about it.

Olivia didn’t trust herself to answer him - it had been the same way for her.

Instead she reached for one of the bags and spent a few moments finding the plush stuffed lion toy and showing it to Ella. It was a soft golden hue with a silky mane of chocolate brown. Ella seemed to fall in love with it immediately, hugging it tightly in her small arms while she and grinning at it happily.

Olivia had also brought a toddler-sized brush for Ella and when she handed it to her, the little girl instantly began to go to work on the lion’s mane.

“You two had better not be discussing work.” James said as he rejoined them, a freshly sliced fruit tray in his hands.

“Only in a roundabout way.” Cyrus said, giving Olivia a chance to recover. “Force of habit.”

“Well, quit it.” James said. He looked at the toy Olivia had brought. “Perfect,” he said with a smile. “Now when we read our animal books, we can play with our ever-growing menagerie. Between Cyrus and I, and you and the President, she’s going to have enough stuffed pets for Noah’s Ark in no time.”

She tensed up at the reference to Fitz, but Olivia forced herself to breath and smiled. “I thought that might be the case. Cyrus told me about how you want to give her all the educational toys you wanted for her. I thought this might fit the bill - and still be fun for her.”

“It definitely does.” James smiled back at her.

“So he’s let you in on his plot.” Cyrus said. “Did he conveniently forget to mention my opinion? There will be plenty of time for all of that educational toy nonsense. Right now, I want our baby to just enjoy being a baby.”

James turned to Olivia. “Do you see what I have to deal with?”

Olivia laughed, the moment of sadness and longing in her swept away. with their words. “Oh no, no and no. I am not getting in between the two of you. You two are going to have to fight this fight without me.”

She purposely turned back to Ella and nuzzled her close.

“Isn’t that right, sweet baby girl?”

Her own words jolted her badly. She hadn’t realized what she was saying until they were already past her lips. Damn. She thought to herself.

Olivia tried to mask her own reaction, pretend as though her words were no big deal, but she could feel Cyrus’ eyes on her, still measuring her, as though she were a puzzle he was close to solving. After a long moment, she felt his eyes turn away and she breathed a sigh of relief.

The three adults made themselves comfortable, each of them taking a turn holding baby Ella as they chatted about the only the lightest of  D.C.’s goings-ons. They could hardly get away without talking politics on some level, but as if by silent agreement, they kept the subjects light and their conversation with it, content to enjoy the unexpected warmth of the day.

They had at least thirty minutes before Cyrus’ cell phone rang.

James frowned. “I thought you had turned that thing off.”

“You know I don’t have a Monday through Friday, nine to five job. Never have, never will.” He gave James a look that said. Don’t start.

Olivia sent James a sympathetic glance. What Cyrus had said was true enough. James had known it from the start - but that didn’t mean he liked it.

“I promise I will get finish the call as soon as I possibly can.”For Cyrus, that was an apology. He gave them both a look before standing up and taking himself elsewhere to deal with his caller.

“I know he hates it,” James sighed as he watched him go. He turned back to face Olivia. “And I know better -I don’t mean to nag him, but Cyrus is not a young man - he needs to slow down and learn to take it easy once in awhile.”

“I’m sure that he knows that your concerns are genuine. And now there’s Ella - he realizes that her being in your lives is a game-changer. He just needs to have the time to realize it all by himself.”

James smiled again, although this time it was a little more subdued. “And you’re probably right.

He sighed. “It’s just that... Cyrus is happier than I’ve ever seen him since we’ve been together. I don’t want him to throw away all that we’ve gained...”

“He knows it, James.” Olivia said. “You’ve just got to give him time.”

“I know.” the other man said. “I just wish it was easier for him to slow down. Ease up a little bit before he works himself right into a heart attack.”

“You’re right, of course, but then he wouldn’t be Cyrus, would he?” she said.

“I agree with you. He’s happier than I’ve ever seen him in a very long time.” Olivia told him, leaning in to pat him reassuringly on one arm. “He genuinely loves you and Ella and being Cyrus, I don’t think he quite knows how to handle that. I don’t think he ever thought he’d get to be this happy having a spouse and a child.”

She had thought the same once upon a time. Like she had told Edison in one of their last conversations; she had thought she could live the life of a senator’s wife, live in a great big house and have lots of babies.

But what she hadn’t been able to explain well enough and what he had not been able to understand - was that she didn’t want normal.

Olivia couldn’t explain it - not in words - not even to herself. She wanted - she needed - that inexplicable, almost unobtainable, life-changing and extraordinary love. Love that was met on equal terms, love that snared the heart and soul and mind. A love that involved every atom of her being and entwined it roundabout with another, leaving room for nothing - and no one - else.

A love she couldn’t breathe without.

All the rest - the babies and the picket fence - all of that came after. Without the love - her heart, her soul - all that she was, would shrivel and die inside.

And she had to face the fact that she would never have that with him.

“And that’s going to have to be enough. You’re right. Cyrus is who he is.” James was saying as her thoughts swirled around inside her head. “And if I’m honest with myself, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

He shook his head. “But sometimes I still can’t believe I fell in love with and married - a Republican!”

They laughed together.

“The heart wants what the heart wants. It doesn’t much care about anything else.” Olivia told him.

She knew the truth about that all too well.