Even Lovers Drown CH 37

Fitz was in limbo. Caught between unacceptable choices on every side.

And the pressures only continued to mount every day.

He listened to Jake’s brief report with less than his full attention. It was unfair, he knew it, but his mind was caught up on so many things that he just couldn’t help himself.

After a moment, Jake obviously noticed.

“Is there any thing else you need to talk about?” he asked, the concern on his face genuine.

FItz shook his head almost helplessly. What could he tell his old friend? That his Chief of Staff was a ruthless son of a bitch that would do literally anything to get him into office and to keep him there? That he no longer trusted Cyrus Beene’s motives? How could he even begin to explain the reasons why?

That his wife, the grand, genteel, well bred DAR - Daughter of the American Revolution no less - was more a political asset than a comfort - and had been almost from the very start of their marriage? That bargains were struck between other people than themselves and that had been the foundation and the glue that stuck them one with another.

That Olivia Pope’s entrance into his life had been a gane-changer, had jolted his senses so badly that he’d tried to fire her after the first time he’d looked into her eyes.

That his former campaign fixer and White House Communications Director had impacted his life with all the force of a nuclear explosion, had somehow become the love of his life between one breath and the next, but had betrayed him in the end for reasons he still couldn't understand?

Right.

Explain that, Mr. President.

“I mean it, Fitz. I know you can’t talk high-level classified policy or anything like that with me - but that’s not what’s bothering you, is it?”

Fitz still didn’t answer him.  He couldn’t.

He knew on some level, that what he was doing was wrong. But he felt driven to it. With all that he’d lost, with all of the anger -the rage - the soul-destroying hurt and pain that he’d been forced to live with bottled up inside of him, he told himself that he was justified in in it all.

Olivia had more than earned it - she had betrayed him with Defiance - not the other way around. He hadn’t betrayed her.  He’d done nothing but love her, trust her -  was it his fault that his trust had been broken?

It was hers, all hers.

But after what had happened between them in Cyrus’ kitchen, well he had to admit to himself, that that was not his main motive any more - if it had ever truly been so.

In some way, it was his way to stay connected to her. The only tie left between them.  There was the truth if only he would admit to it; he could see her, he could hear her, even if he couldn’t be with her any more.

It hadn't had the intended effect. Seeing her with Eddison filled him with a jealous rage that he hadn’t even known he was capable of. He remembered the vicious shock that had seared through him as he forced himself to  look at picture after picture of them together. Her smiling up at him, face soft with emotions. Her eyes as she looked at another man that wasn’t him.

And then there was his face. Eddison Davis. There was no mistaking the desire in his eyes. His arms around her. His lips on hers. The rage that poured into him set his entire body to shaking.

Coming to the realization that they had ended things had been a savage joy. Even the news that she was alone too much, sad too often, had sent mixed emotions through him that he had been unable to face for too long a time.

“It’s everything.” Fitz said at last. “Everything and nothing.”

He stood up, stretching his powerful body, taking a moment in just feeling the stretch and play of toned muscles. Just feeling like his old self - his better self - for a moment.

Where was that man? he wondered to himself.

He mused the answer to that out loud. “You know, for all that you think you prepare yourself for the White House, you really can’t. You just can’t. Things start to change when you first start campaigning, you know.”

Fitz walked over to the side table to pour himself another drink. “Once you get to the point where you become a viable contender, the change starts. People start to change in how they see you, in how they act towards you - they can see the difference. It’s power - and that power is intoxicating. So much so that you get a little tipsy with it.”

He smiled grimly, lifting his glass in an ironic toast. “It starts off as just little sips. And then - bam - you’re in the primaries. The odds for you go up and they go down - but they are there. You are wheeling and dealing with the princes of this world, knowing that it’s a rare thing to be acknowledged and accepted as their equal.”

Jake didn’t move, didn’t want to break the tableau, realizing suddenly how badly the other man needed to let this out. Has he had anyone to talk - really talk to - about this?

Where was his wife? Jake wanted to ask; but at the same time, realized he couldn’t. And that the fact that he couldn’t explained a lot.

And Fitz continued to talk.

“Then you’re not their equal - you’re more than their equal - they themselves of their own free will put you on that pedestal and the feeling is - glorious.”

He stopped to take a long deep swallow. “Winning becomes everything. You can do no wrong - it’s your destiny lying before you and everything - everything - that comes your way does because It. Is. Meant. To. Be.”

Fitz pronounced those last few words with extra intensity. “Destiny. You take your destiny in your hands, you ride that wild wave and it sweeps you into - this.” he raised one hand and gestured around the Oval Office.

“And once you’re here, everything changes. It has to, or else the job, the pressures will break you. You’re privy to all the dirty little secrets and the back-alley machinations of the world and how it really works. And because you’re one of the chosen few - because the majority - the same We The People who put you here really don’t understand how the world really works - and that’s the part of job that’s never explained to you until you’re here. That it’s your job to protect and shield them from it all  - it isolates you away from pretty much everything you’ve ever known.”

“Fitz.” Jake shook his head helplessly. He didn’t know what to say - if there were anything he could say at all.

The smile Fitz turned on him was a pale imitation of his true feelings, an ill-fitting mask of the more genuine smiles that they’ve shared in the past. “So many agendas at play, so that soon you’re seeing everyone in a different light, because now you can see where this one is seeking power, another is seeking wealth, influence, profit at any cost. The seven sins in full effect. There are no black and white issues anymore - everything is ever-shifting shades of greys.”

He walked over the the presidential seal woven into the carpet. Fitz looked down at it for a long moment before he spoke again.

“Those ambitions, those lusts are a great foundation for betrayal, you know. And knowing that some will betray any ideal, break any vow,  exploit any and every loophole they can to get it. And me? I’m the Wizard behind the curtain; I’m Mom and Dad on Christmas Eve putting together all the toys to be found on Christmas morning. I get to protect the American people from the hypocrisy and rottenness of it all.”

He turned to look at Jake.  “And it’s all part of the job description. But you don’t know it until you take the throne.”

 Jake stood up and came to stand before Fitz, looking at him with a new understanding. He thought he might even feel a little bit of his pain. “It changes you in ways that no one else would ever believe possible.”

“Sometimes,  you can’t even believe it yourself.” Fitz said, looking him square in the eye as he said the words.

For all the alcohol that his friend had consumed, Jake could see that it had barely touched him. Was he sober? Not quite. But was he anywhere as drunk as he ought to be? Not even close. Fitz had too much of an iron will - his body and mind simply wouldn’t allow it.

This time it was Jake who reached for the decanter. He filled both of their glasses.

“Mr. President.” The two words held all the compassion, understanding, awareness and respect that Jake could put into it.

Two old friends touched their glasses together and drank, their old camaraderie restored. It was almost like old times.

Almost.