Even Lovers Drown CH 45

They’ve met several times now. Their work was of the urgent sort. Time constraints and concern kept their meetings constant.

The both of them were careful not to look each other in the eye too often, careful not to stand too close to one another, careful to keep the tone of their relationship strictly professional, strictly within the bounds of the issues and strictly focused on  the goals they were working towards together.

It seemed to fool everyone but themselves.

It was doing strange things to Fitz, to have Olivia working with him again. Hearing her voice, seeing her brainstorm with Jocelyn and Cyrus and himself. Agreeing, arguing, debating, deciding, the rush of fresh ideas explored and expanded upon, merits held up for close scrutiny. It almost felt like old times again on the campaign trail and that was doing strange things to his head and his heart.

And since she had let him know what exactly on her mind, it had made things worse.  Her words often echoed in his mind at the worst possible times. As always, they challenged him pushed at him to face truths and beliefs, to weigh them and determine their true worth.

His true worth.

There are still nights he couldn't sleep; the tension wore him down. He was short with Mellie, who hadn’t been pleased to realize that Olivia was back working in the White House. There were too many tense arguments behind closed doors, but at least his wife had had the rare good sense to keep from making any scenes and played her role as the supportive spouse.

But the more time he and Olivia spent together, the more things shifted between them and the more things shifted between the paths his painful thoughts had led him down.

At the end, these issues couldn’t go on the way they were - unspoken and unacknowledged - and Fitz at last, resolved to put an end to it. As one of their brainstorming sessions came to a close, Fitz made a decision.

“As always, thank you all.” Fitz said. Again, he, Cyrus, Jocelyn and Olivia they were at the small outdoor patio where he and Jocelyn had first taken to working. His doctors, still concerned about his gunshot wounds, had recommended fresh air whenever possible.  And since it was in their best interests to have a president in place that was healthy both in mind and body after the assassination attempt, the others encouraged it.

At the moment, they were slipping notes and files into briefcases and folders before leaving to take care of all their other duties.

Fitz found himself making his voice as casual as he could. “Olivia, you need to stay for a moment, please.”

She wasn’t fooled by his easy tone. Fitz saw her stiffen slightly, then nodded in response.

He felt Cyrus shooting him a swift glance, but Fitz chose to ignore it. Jocelyn, of course, was ignorant of the sudden tension.

When the others had gone, Fitz allowed himself to look at Olivia, to really look at her in the way he wasn’t able to when the others were around. Instead of retaking her seat, she’d chosen to stand; her reluctance to be there alone with him was evident in every stiff line of her body.

Keeping in mind the words he’d planned to say, Fitz felt his gaze softening as he looked at her. Understandably, he did not see the same in hers. What he saw was wariness. He’d hurt her, he’d meant to hurt her, and right now, that was uppermost in her thoughts - and it was all reflected in her demeanor now. Arms crossed as though to protect herself, thoughts barricaded against him in her eyes.

So he didn’t find it surprising that Olivia returned his gaze stonily and unsmiling. “Was there something you wanted, Mr. President?”

Fitz stood and came to stand before her. “We need to talk.”

“Do we? I thought you made things perfectly clear between us the last time we - talked.”

His hurtful words rose up between them, but Fitz didn’t let her see him react to them. A part of him still held his words as truth in his heart; any thing he’d said had been provoked by her actions and she needed reminding about that fact. It was hard enough to do what he planned, but she was going to listen.

For every step he took forwards, she took one back, until she stumbled up against a tree.

Fitz took full advantage of it and moved forward, placing his hands on either side of the trunk so that she was essentially trapped.

“You have to understand something.” He said. His tone was quiet, a little hushed even, but it didn’t keep the intensity from it. “Defiance changed everything - it changed me.”

She drew in a sharp breath as though he’d struck her. “You think it didn’t change me?”

Olivia made a motion as though she would move. Without thinking, one hand gripped her upper arm, holding her in place.

“Allow me to be a little selfish for a change.” he all but growled, a familiar tension rising up inside of him. Being this close to her played havoc with his senses and his thoughts, but during his lonely nights, his thoughts had been changing and challenging him and he had to share them with her.

“Allow me to think of myself first and not about you - because before this, all I could ever do was think of you. But you know that already; I laid my heart out before you not so very far from here. How my every feeling is controlled by the look on your face. How I couldn’t breathe without you, sleep without you. How whatever this was happening between us, we were in it together.

“Do you have any idea what my life was like before you came into it? How complacent and accepting I’d become of the life that others had laid out for me, others had built for me?  I was going through the motions of living that life - and then you walked into it. Black and white with very few shades of gray - that was my life.

“And then you happened - Olivia - you happened. And I realized that before that moment, I had had no clue was love really was, what my life could be like with a woman like you by my side. I had never been in love before - never. ”

Olivia’s lips parted as though she would speak, but he didn’t let her. He plunged on, admitting what was in his heart.

“So when I learned about your betrayal - do you have any idea of what it did to me? It destroyed me, Olivia. You destroyed me. You brought me to my knees and almost killed me like the bullet in my brain almost killed me - only you tore apart my heart instead.”

His words were hitting her, hurting her. But no more than they were hurting him.  She had to see that. He didn’t want the pain anymore than she did, but she needed to see the seeds that she’d sown, see how they had sprouted and created such bitter fruit.

“Fitz - wait -” he could see in her eyes that she wanted to answer to him, to explain or argue - she wanted to fix it - but no, not yet, in the moment, he neither knew nor cared which it was.

“No - you wait.  I’m still not ready to hear all that you have to say. Maybe one day I will. Maybe I will never be ready. I just don’t know. But I’ve learned while I was away from you. About me and who I thought I was and who and what I really am. One thing that I’ve learned is that I can be cruel in my pain in a way that I never thought I was capable of - this is what you’ve done to me. I’m not saying this to blame you - this time I’m not trying to hurt you - but...but for you to acknowledge it - for you to see - what I’ve been forced to see myself - what I have become without you in my life. The pain of what you did to me, blinded me for so, so long. Olivia, I’m just starting to get my vision back.”

He’s breathing heavily by now, because saying the words aloud have brought their own pain with them. He’s filled with all the emotions he’d been trying for so long to deny.  It’s almost as though he’s reliving it all over again. The sensations almost choke him. But for once they don’t, not fully - and it’s because she is there. Even if she doesn’t know it, just her presence was enough to catch him this time. It’s not much - but it’s enough.

She’s breathing heavily now too, because as always, she can always sense his pain, and as always his pain becomes her own. That truth is reflected in her eyes, in the slight tremble of her lips. But even as he watches she firms them -  for she has words of her own to speak.

“What am I supposed to do with all of this?” Olivia asked. Her voice was full of the pain she refused to share, of the tears that she would not shed. “What do you want from me?”

“I don’t know.” Fitz admitted. “I told you - I’m just starting to get my vision back and I’m trying to find my way.”

“Find your way to where?” her eyes are fixed on his, seeking answers. There’s a question in her eyes now too, one she dares not ask. Not yet.

He shook his head. “I don’t know. To survive Defiance, a part of me had to die. Just so that the rest of me could survive. A part of me - a part of my heart - is still on the ground, still bleeding. But I’m just starting to see beyond the pain now.”

She struggles to speak. “And am I - what - just supposed to wait while you work this all out in your head?” There was disbelief in her expression.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I need to work this out not just in my head - but in my heart. If you fell in love with me, the way I fell in love with you - between one breath and the next - then what we have can’t be dead. And you should be willing to do anything to keep us alive. And if that means waiting for me - then wait for me.”

“I did wait - it’s been almost a year.” she began. “All this time...”

He knows that what he’s asking of her is inappropriate. After the what he’s done to her - said to her - he knows he has no right. But he asks it anyway. He knows that what he’s asking of her is more than most people could be expected to take. And yet, he asking. Because this is Olivia Pope and he believes that she still loves him.

“All this time, I wasn’t ready. I don't know if I’m ready now. I am ready to be as honest with you as I can right here and right now - that much I know. That’s what I needed to tell you.”

 He stepped away from her. When something inside him was screaming to take her in his arms instead, he stepped away. This was not the time. Fitz finally realized that he wanted there to be time. When? He didn’t know. How? Again, he had no answers.

“I won’t ask you if you still love me. This isn’t a romantic movie and I don’t want to live a cliche. What I am asking is for you to ask yourself that question. Don’t answer me now. Think about it and then answer it - not for me, but for you.”

Despite all of his earlier resolve, a sudden, irresistible urge flared up - without thinking his hand lifted, and before he knew it, he touched the backs of his fingers against her cheek. Her eyes widened at the contact, but neither of them said a word.

Just as swiftly, Fitz caught himself and took a step back but all the while, his eyes never left hers. Unable to stop drinking in the sight of her, letting her beauty and the expression in her eyes seep in, filling the fractured parts of him inside. He didn’t realize that his  mouth had lost its harshness or that his eyes had softened when he’d touched her.

“Wait for me, Olivia.” That was all he could say before he turned and walked away.