Un-betaed

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When John returned from Quantico he knew that he had to do one more thing before he left Llanview for good.  He didn’t know where Evangeline was but he knew that Nora did.  He would write a letter to Evangeline and give it to Nora to send to her.  He would tell her everything, about his father, about Caitlin, about Natalie, and most of all about himself.  He didn’t know if he would ever see her again but he wanted her to know that he valued her.  After all of this time he wants to talk and she’s nowhere to be found.  How ironic.  But he would do it.  He would put it all in a letter.  He owed her that much.  He then had to convince Nora to send it to her.  John thought, maybe Evangeline left instructions with Nora not to contact her regarding me.  She probably didn’t bother.  She didn’t want anything to do with me based upon our last conversation. John sat and wrote the letter and poured out his heart in it.

Evangeline,

Don’t throw away this letter just yet.  Don’t be mad at Nora for sending it to you.  Just hear me out.

I know that you left town and I sincerely hope that you are happy.  I want to say a few things to you and then I will leave you alone forever.

My father died when I was ten years old.  After he died I became the ‘man of the house’.  I didn’t know what that meant.  I was ten years old.  I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I remember telling you how I would sit and listen to my mother crying and wanting so badly to make everything better for her.  But I couldn’t do that.  I couldn’t bring back my father.  I tried to be strong.  I tried to show my mother that I was strong.  I wouldn’t cry so that she wouldn’t worry about me.  But I wanted to cry.  My father was dead.  I was ten years old. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t.  I had to be strong for my mother and Michael.  I kept my pain inside and as the years passed by it just became a habit not to feel pain.  

Not feeling pain or not expressing emotion came in handy as an FBI agent.  We see the underbelly of society many times and see the horror of what man can do so we numb ourselves to the horror of it all.  I managed well like that until I met Caitlin.  She brought light to my darkness.  When we fell in love I felt relief from that weight that I had carried for so many years.  But then she died and the light left with her.  I decided then not to love again.  Not to let that light in my life again.  If you go around in the dark long enough you get used to it so that when you do see light it hurts your eyes.  I decided to stay in that darkness and not feel that hurt again.

When I came to Llanview and met Christian and Natalie it started out as a job and then Christian was ‘died’ and I felt responsible for his death.  Then Natalie became a duty for me.  I was responsible for her husband’s death so I was responsible for her to help her however I could.  Whenever I helped her out of a jam for some strange reason it gave me a sense of accomplishment.  I rescued someone.  I rescued someone even though I couldn’t rescue or save Caitlin or Christian.  I know that it may sound crazy but I had to go through all of that to realize that I was wrong.

Therapy with Dr. Crosby allowed me to address all of these issues, my father’s murder, Caitlin’s death, the fiasco with Christian and Natalie, and the co-dependency relationship that I developed with Natalie.  My handling of all these things was based on a decision made when I was ten years old.  That was the problem.  That was the major issue.  I stayed stuck in that mode of ‘it’s my responsibility’.  

·      My father died because he was shot and didn’t receive adequate medical care.  

·      A homicidal maniac killed Caitlin.  

·      Christian ‘died’ because someone wanted to use him in a mind control program. 

·      Natalie was not my responsibility.  She was a grown woman who should have been able to take care of herself and avoid many of the predicaments in which she found herself.  Plus she had family she could have turned to but I allowed her to always call me and unfortunately that only added to her depending on me to rescue her. 

Once I was able to see all of these issues as they truly were I was able to let go of them.  I no longer carry them around like weights around my waist as Jacob Marley did in A Christmas Carol. 

I talked about you in my sessions with Dr. Crosby.  How I treated you was my biggest regret.  You tried to help me face my issues but I didn’t want to.  It was easier for me to just exist.  You made me feel worthwhile.  You made me feel things I hadn’t felt in years.  You made me feel loved.  I didn’t know what that was after Caitlin died and I didn’t think that I would ever feel that again but you made me feel it.  But it scared me.  I was comfortable in my world of pain. You brought light to my dismal world.  

You saw that I was afraid and many times you gave me an out.  ‘I know you have to help her but if I’m going to lose you I’m walking away right now.’  ‘Marriage is one thing but love is everything.  It’s what I want and if it’s not going to work with you then I can deal with it.’  But I was too… I don’t even know the word to describe what I was.  And when you came to my office that day to end it with me the darkness returned.  I was once again in a familiar place. You were right to leave me.  I would have only pulled you into the darkness with me.  

But the darkness did not consume me all because of you. I know that you are surprised to hear that but it’s true.  When I last spoke with you and you told me that you didn’t want to be my friend I decided then and there to leave this darkness behind.  I have been in therapy since then.  I am now in the light.  I too am leaving Llanview. And before you ask, I am leaving alone.  What are the words to that song?  ‘If I can’t have you I don’t want nobody baby’.  So, I am moving on to a new life.  Maybe one day we will see each other again and when we do, if you’re not married already, I will ask you to marry me after I tell you that I love you Evangeline.  I love you more than you will ever know.  That night when I told you that you saved me, I meant it.  You saved me from myself.

Wherever you are and wherever you go just know that I, John McBain love Evangeline Williamson with all of my heart.  

I can hear you now saying, ‘John too little too late’ and I will answer, ‘It’s never to late.’

‘Here’s looking at you, kid’

Love always,

John

John took the letter to Nora’s house and explained to her what he wanted done.  Nora felt sorry for him and did as he asked.  John didn’t tell Nora that he was moving to the Washington, DC area.  He didn’t want anyone to know until he had left.  With that done John felt relieved and had hope.  If for no other reason than he had finally told Evangeline that he loved her.  John returned home and started packing.