I made it home with enough time to shower and prepare for my meeting with John tonight.  Now I have to choose an outfit.  When I packed to leave Llanview I donated most of my clothing.  I wanted a fresh start and plus working for a major firm I knew that I needed to update my wardrobe with better quality clothing.  Not to say that I was a slouch before but now I’m in the ‘big leagues’ and need to ‘dress to impress’.  I may not dress exactly like Jessica Pearson from that television show “Suits” but I come darn near it.  I’ve traded my usual wrap dresses for fine tailored suits, blazers, shift dresses, pencil skirts and assorted designed tops.  My color palette for work has changed to a neutral one of tan, grey and black with an occasional pop of color.  It’s almost like a uniform but it works perfectly for me.  I need that regimen and structure.  I’ve toned down my use of jewelry to more sedate earrings and only a Movado watch.  

So now what do I wear for tonight?  I know.  I will wear the black and white rose print peplum top with a black pencil skirt and a pair of Jimmy Choo black heels.  Of course underneath I have my standard La Perla.  I would usually wear Victoria Secret but I feel a little naughty tonight.  Not to say that I would go that far with John this early.  No, that’s not happening and that’s one of the things that we need to talk about tonight if we have any chance of making a go of a ‘new’ relationship.  All dressed and looking lovely I grab my purse and leave my condo and head out to the restaurant.

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Whew I didn’t know it was that late!  I have just enough time to shower, change and meet Evangeline at the restaurant.  I called and reserved the room so everything’s set.  I told them that we wanted some privacy so that after they take our order they will leave and not interrupt us as much as they would if we sat in the main dining area.  Now what do I wear?  When I left Llanview I decided to change my wardrobe from those dark colors that seemed to match my dark mood to brighter colors.  Not neon colors but more varied colors like brown, grey and blue.  I know.  I will wear that navy blue suit with a white shirt and blue striped tie with black shoes.  All dressed and looking quite dapper if I say so myself let me leave now so that I arrive at the restaurant on time.

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I stand in the lobby of the restaurant to wait for Evangeline to arrive.  Just as I look down to check my watch I hear her call my name.  I stare at her.  She looks beautiful.  There is something different about her.  She exudes a confidence that I had not noticed before.  She’s not wearing her usual style of dress; I think it’s called a ‘wrap dress’.  She looks professional, distinguished and gorgeous.  As she walked up to me the hostess informed us that our room was ready and that she would escort us.  We followed and walked into the room and took our seats.  The hostess told us that our waiter would come shortly with the menus and to take our orders.  

“You look gorgeous Evangeline.”

“Thank you John.  You look quite handsome yourself.  What happened to the ‘black’?”

“I left the black suits behind with my buried issues.  How do you like the new me?

“It looks good on you John and I like it.  Why are you staring at me? Is something on my face?”

“No, nothing’s on your face.  You just look different.  You dress different.  I thought that I would see you in one of those ‘wrap’ dresses.  You look so polished and confident and sharp.”

“Didn’t I look confident before?  Don’t answer.  I know what you mean. When I left Llanview I left that wardrobe behind.  I decided that I needed a change so I have refined a few things about myself, including my wardrobe.  You will find that many things have changed about me John since I left Llanview.  We must discuss those changes before I can decide how we will proceed.  Wait before you start talking here comes the waiter. Let’s order our food and then we can talk.  Will you agree to that?”

“Yes I agree.”

We gave our orders to the waiter and settled ourselves to discuss where do we go from here.

“I want to go first John.  Hmm that’s brings back a memory.  When I was in the hospital after the fire in the Love Center and you interrogating me.  Oh, I won’t rehash that.  It’s in the past.  But the past will shape our future if we don’t learn from the mistakes that we made in the past.  I don’t want to make the same mistakes John.  My near death experiences, and I mean experiences, not only the gas poisoning but also the tied to the stake set afire horror.  We’ve all heard the cliché of ‘life is too short’ well it’s true.  Life is too short to not grab love and happiness when you can. I’m not the same person that I was when I was in Llanview.  Those terrifying things changed me.  I won’t let anyone use me and not have my best interest at heart.  I’m not a weak woman by nature but I am a woman and sometimes I want to be protected and I don’t want to have to tell the man that I’m with that I need it.  He should know it because he knows me.  I have a lot of love to give but I won’t give it and not receive it in return.  I won’t ever do that again.  I need for the man that I’m with to tell me that he loves and to reaffirm it with his actions.  I don’t need a man to define me but I want a man to refine me.  When I say refine I mean that he smooths out my rough edges with his patience and he talks to me and with me.  He lets me be weak sometimes and strong at others and he’s not intimidated when I am strong because he knows that I love him and will undergird him when he is weak and support him when he is strong. I love a man with a strong hand. I don’t want to wear the pants in the relationship.  If I did I could do that by myself.  I want the man to be a man and lead. I don’t mind following as long as we have the same end in mind. I have a time consuming and difficult job and I need a safe haven when I come home.  I also need a listening ear.  Not someone to solve my problems, I can do that myself, but someone who will listen when I need to vent.  They may not say a word but will just hold me so that I know that I am not alone.  Can you do that John? Can you be that man John? If you can’t then I don’t think that we have a chance at anything.  I know that you said that you love me and that you want to marry me but do you know what that means John?  Do you really?  That train station attack years ago showed us that not everyone would be happy to see the two of us together.  Are you ready to deal with that John?  Don’t say that color doesn’t matter because it does.  Of course I won’t let that deter me from loving whom I choose but I won’t pretend that it doesn’t exist.  The key is how do you respond to it.  I respond to it by not playing into the hate game.  I won’t dignify that ignorance with a moment of my time.  If I decide to marry you I will because I love you beyond all reason and I would excitedly have your children and love you and them until the end of my days. But I can’t do that until I know that you see me John and not some image of perfection that you put on a pedestal years ago that you felt unworthy to love.  I am flesh and blood.  I breathe and I bleed.  Love me John with all of my faults and blemishes as I would love you with yours. If you can do that John, if you can show me that you actually see me, Evangeline Williamson, a woman who has made mistakes, a women who is not perfect, a woman who believes that God made you for me then I will marry you John.  I will marry you as soon as possible because I can’t bear to be without you.”

Before John could respond the waiter entered with our food and left.  John started to talk and I stopped him.  

“John before you respond, do you want to eat first or talk first?”

“Evangeline I want to talk first.  They can always reheat the food.”

“Okay I just wanted to give you the option of delaying your response.  What do you want to say?”

“Evangeline there is so much that I want to say but let me first say this.  I love you and I want to marry you as soon as possible.  I will say it again and again.  I want you to be my wife and the mother of my children.  Now with that said let me explain some things to you.  You were correct when you said that I put you on a pedestal.  I did and it made me think that I was unworthy of your love but I was wrong.  You are human just like I am.  If you get cut you bleed just like I would.  I didn’t see you, as you really are, a woman, a beautiful woman who offered me her love and I was too stupid to accept it. Instead I took her physical offerings and thought that was enough.  I was wrong.  Losing you made me realize the errors of my ways.  When you were hurt after the train attack and you stayed with me that was a great time for me.  Taking care of you then I felt worthy.  When you returned home I went back to thinking, ‘what do I have to offer her? Nothing.’  I told you in the letter that you were right to leave me.  I was no good for you the way that I was.  I’m not like that anymore Evangeline. I see you.  A strong, independent and fierce women who can take care of herself but can also love a man with an passionate and tender love that can uplift them both.  I want that kind of love with you Evangeline.  God made you for me.  I won’t make the same mistakes of the past because we are different people now.  Give me a chance to prove my love to you.  Give me a chance that lasts a lifetime.  Can you do that Evangeline?”

“John, I can do that.  I want to do that. I want to be your wife and the mother of your children.  There are two more things that we need to discuss.  First, we can’t have sex.  That was one major thing that we did wrong in the past.  Our new relationship must be built upon love, trust, and faith.  We must have love for each other; trust in each other and faith in God and each other.  Second, you have to be involved in the wedding planning. You don’t get to tell me ‘whatever you want to do Evangeline’.  You have to be there for the reception meal selection, wedding cake selection and things like that.  Well make that three things, how do you propose to me without a ring?  And one more thing, where will we live after we’re married?  We have a lot of things to discuss.  John, why are you looking at me like that?  Why are you smiling?  Did I say something funny?  John?  Answer me.”

“You are amazing.  I thought that you would give me the cross examination of a lifetime.  Why didn’t you?”

“I see you John.  For the first time I see you in your words.  You took responsibility for your actions and didn’t blame them on your father’s death or Caitlin’s murder.  It was all you.  And now you see me.  The real me.  We can build upon that and make a life for our children and ourselves.  You do realize that you will have to deal with my mother and Uncle Clay once I break the news to them.”

“I don’t care. As long as I get to marry you I will suffer through it.  Speaking of rings, do you want me to select one on my own or do you want to go with me?”

“No, I want you to do that all by your lonesome.”

“And another thing Evangeline, I agree with you that we should wait until after the wedding to have sex.  You are more to me than sex.  You always were. Anyway I don’t want to have sex with you.  I want to make love to you.”

“I know John. So that’s settled.  Do you want to eat now?   Oh here’s the waiter.”

The waiter took our plates back to the kitchen for reheating, returned them to us and we had a delicious meal.  We agreed to meet again after John purchased the ring and made a proper proposal.