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Time For a Change

Chapter 10    Letting Go of the Past

I am using this week that John is away to really reevaluate my view on all that has happened between the two of us.  As I pray each day for guidance and understanding I also pray for forgiveness.  We need to forgive each other for all of the hurt between us.  I can’t blame John for everything that went wrong between us.  Therapy has taught me that I had a role to play in the downfall of our relationship.  But the good thing is that we have both changed since the end of our last relationship.  These last few months have been more than just going to the opera or playing tennis.  We have talked, really talked to each other about our childhoods, about our families, about our fears, about our hopes for the future.  We both have strong wills and realize that in a relationship we must allow for compromise and not see it as always giving in to the other person.  Compromise is coming to a ‘shared’ agreement and that means more than which television program we will watch or which movie we will go to see.  

Even though John has attended ballet performances and the opera and has played tennis with me I know that he doesn’t do them out of duty but in an effort to share things that I like to do.  In the same vein I have watched football and baseball with him.  I still don’t like baseball but I endure it because he likes it and I find spending time with him outweighs any discomfort I may have watching the game.  We also do things that we both enjoy.  We both like to cook so on occasion we find a new recipe that we would like to try and we make it together at either his apartment or mine.

Importantly enough we have talked about marriage.  I am no longer opposed to marriage, which pleasantly surprised John.  We agreed on how many children we would both like.  I want two he wants four and we compromised on three. I’m hoping for a set of twins and one other single birth.  I don’t know if I can handle triplets but I do know that I don’t want to have four single births.  The sex of the child doesn’t matter as long as we have at least one boy. We will not name any of our children after us.  They will have their own names.  As to where we want to live with our children we do find that this city is the place for us. It has so many things to offer. The neighborhoods are diverse and the schools are top rated.  

One thing that has been satisfyingly refreshing is the new way that we express our love for each other.  Of course we don’t have sex or make love but we simply hold hands and smile at each other.  It’s the touch that says so much.  For example, we were at a football game and the home team had scored a touchdown. We rooted of course but as the din of the crowd died down he looked at me and smiled and took my hand in his and just held it while looking at me.  His eyes expressed so much that I had to catch my breath.  He didn’t have to say a word but with that simple touch and look he told me how much he appreciated my loving him and sharing this moment with him.  Just last week we were at my apartment for dinner and I was in the kitchen to get the drinks.  He walked up to me to help and I stopped him and took his hands and held them in mine and looked into his eyes and just smiled at him.  In that moment I poured out to him all of my joy that having him here with me meant to me.  He smiled and squeezed my hand to let me know that he understood. We don’t even have to kiss to express what we mean to each other.  That’s a big difference for us.  I’m not saying that I still don’t swoon from John’s all encompassing, toe curling, breath taking kisses but now we have added to the repertoire and that’s a good thing.

Now I need to figure how and when to get him to ask me to marry him. I know that he wants to and is only waiting for me to let him know that I am ready.  Well I am ready.  I am ready to leave the past in the past and move on to my future.  Not that I haven’t already done that but I now emphatically proclaim it so that there are no doubts about it in my own mind.  As much as I enjoy music I can’t even think of a song that will express how I feel. If I could find a song and maybe play it during dinner to give John a hint that I’m ready to move on but for the life of me I can’t think of one.  Well I have until Saturday when John returns and comes for dinner to find a song that will fit the occasion.