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Time For a Change

Chapter 3                        The Regret

Nobody told me that Evangeline was leaving.  Sitting in my office I overhear one of the officers in the bullpen say that one of our usual arrestee’s has a new lawyer because Attorney Williamson has closed her office.  I understand why she wouldn’t tell me but Nora never said anything about Evangeline leaving town.  I am dumbfounded.  I know that she and I aren’t together anymore but I thought that at least we could be friends but we can’t be anything now because she is gone. Perhaps it was a fool’s dream that one day we could reconnect but I didn’t make the effort and anyway she told me that until I could express myself we would stay apart.  But ‘just because I let her go didn’t mean that I wanted to’.  Did I do anything to change her opinion of me?  No, I did nothing so I have no one to blame but myself. Someone should have given me some lessons on how to have compassion, how to express myself but nobody did and I probably would not have listened anyway.  Evangeline tried to get me to open up but I only gave her little snippets of me.  Why didn’t I tell her something to keep the lines of communication open instead of just standing around looking pitiful hoping my ‘puppy dog eyes’ stares would cause her to come back to me.  She’d probably say she might have been born at night, but not last night.  She’s not stupid.  It wasn’t supposed to end like this.  If I had my way it would not have ended at all.  If she walked in my door right now what would I say to her?  Perhaps I could use that quote that I saw a week ago in a magazine.  It’s not my words but it captures the essence of my situation:

‘I think of you/ I just can’t talk to you right now; I miss you/ I just can’t admit it right now; I need you/ I just can’t show you right now; I love you/ I just can’t tell you right now.’

Now that I think about that it doesn’t make any sense to me. If someone told me that nonsense I would walk right out on them.  I need professional help now.  How in the world can I expect Evangeline to believe that I love her with all my inaction in showing her?  She gave her love to me and I took it and gave little in return but hemming and hawing and confusion.  Now she has left town and I have no idea where she is.  All I know is that I have to get myself together and find her.  Everybody will ask why would I look for her now when I made to effort to reunite with her while she was here.  The only answer to that question is, John McBain is an idiot.  I didn’t know a good thing when I had it and now it’s gone forever.  But I won’t let it be forever.  I will get counseling and I will find her and we will have our forever together.  I will first find out where she is but I won’t go to her until I have fixed myself.  She has no idea how much I have thought about her since our breakup.  I should have told her, ‘I keep myself busy with things to do, but every time I pause, I still think of you.’