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Time For a Change

Chapter 5    Resolve 

Dr. Crosby suggested that we meet at least once a week so that I can discuss things with him sooner rather than later.  So many things that I need to say and do.  My father’s death of course had a major impact on me and then Caitlin’s death just seemed to put the nail in the coffin on me expressing my feelings with anyone.  I thought that I tried to open up a little with Natalie but it wasn’t enough for her and she didn’t want to wait for me.  But in talking with Dr. Crosby I realize that it would not have worked anyway.  I was only reacting to the fallout of the FBI sting operation that resulted in Christian Vega’s ‘death’.  I felt that I had failed at my job and wanted to latch on to something or someone to regain my balance.  That was not love.  Then my time with Evangeline was refreshing.  I felt that I was opening up more but once again I was not. There was no way for either relationship to really work out because I was not capable of giving myself to either woman.  Was it love with Evangeline?  I don’t know. It was definitely more than ‘like’ and I felt that I was getting to know her and myself more and more each day. Our relationship didn’t have the weight of a botched FBI sting attached to it but it still had my noncommittal attitude to weigh it down.

So why now do I think that a relationship with Evangeline is what I want or need in my life?  That’s what Dr. Crosby asked me.  After having been in a relationship with her in which I could not commit why now after she has left town do I think that I need her in my life? Why?  Because I feel empty now that she is not around.  While she was in town, even though we weren’t together, I could at least see her and hear her sometimes when she came to the station or when I saw her around town.  She was still near and that gave me comfort.  But when I heard that she had left town if felt like the air left my body and I couldn’t think straight.  There was no hope for me left.  It may sound crazy but I had always hoped that one day we would find our way back to each other. 

Now I have to get myself together for myself.  I can’t be good for anyone if I’m not good for myself.  It will take time I know and I just hope and pray that when I do finish this therapy and have become a better John McBain that Evangeline will still be available to me.  She is a beautiful and caring person and just because I could not appreciate that and give her the love that she deserved doesn’t’ mean that some other man won’t see her value and claim her as his own. I just hope that I’m not too late. My future is Evangeline.  I know that I can’t rush the therapy to try to get to her before she falls for some other guy.  I must believe that we were meant to be.  She is it for me.  

Dr. Crosby has me doing scenario exercises.  He describes a scene to me and has me to put myself in it and tell him how I will react in each scene.  At first I thought that it was kind of stupid but now I notice that it helps me to see how my past affects my reactions today. I notice that in most of my reactions I try to emotionally distance myself when the scene actually calls for an emotional reaction.  Boy am I messed up.  Dr. Crosby offers encouragement that these observations prove helpful for me to make changes to how I react and act in certain situations and allows me to grow and learn about myself.  I resolve to get better for me and for my future with Evangeline.  Dr. Crosby gives me an assignment to find a picture that reflects how I see myself now.  I didn’t find a picture but I did find a few quotes that hit it on the mark, 

'FOR SALE: ONE HEART.  HORRIBLE CONDITION.  WILL TAKE ANYTHING FOR IT PLEASE.  JUST CUT IT OUT OF MY CHEST AND END THIS SUFFERING.'

'ONCE UPON A TIME I WAS FALLING IN LOVE, BUT NOW I'M ONLY FALLING APART.'

When he reads the quotes he asks me why did I choose these two as they reflect a loss of love.  I say that I feel a loss of love.  Evangeline has left and I feel lost.

“John if you felt this way about her why didn’t you ever tell her?”

“I don’t know. I just wanted her with me. I felt good and worth something when I was with her.”

“You do know that until you heal yourself you really have little to offer anyone else.”

“Yes I realize that now.  I want to get better so that I can have a better life but even more than for me I want a life with her.”

“You are making progress John I must say.  Let us continue the therapy but stay focused on getting you better before you rush off trying to have a romantic relationship with anyone.”

“I know Dr. Crosby, I know.  I need to get back to work.  I will see you next week.  Thank you for all of your help.”

“It’s my job John.  I am here to help you.”

I’m getting better I can feel it but I also feel something else. I can’t quite put my finger on it but it’s something inside of me just below the surface.  It’s a gentle tugging.  It’s not distracting but I feel it nevertheless.  It’s warmth inside of me that glows but doesn’t burn.

‘My favorite music is your voice.’

‘I want you, I want all of you, 

forever, every day. You and me, every day

I LOVE YOU

It soothes me and I hold on to it.  I don’t press upon it, I don’t nudge it, and I just leave it there.  It is hope. Hope that all will be resolved in my favor.