An hour into “having some fucking fun for once”, I was shocked to say the least. What I saw before me was the craziest shit I’d seen in a while. Jason always invited me to these parties, but I never really came of course. And when I did, I stuck by his side. We were like an old married couple…but guess what? We stayed out of trouble. 

I may have been drunk as hell, but certainly not drunk enough to partake in the activities unfolding in front of my eyes. 

“Keyshia! This one’s for you!!” Alyssa all but screamed over the loud rap music blasting in the nightclub she took me to. We had met up with a few of her “friends” as soon as we walked in the place. They were seated behind red velvet burgundy VIP ropes; hooting and hollering like a bunch of chicks attending a bachelorette’s party. 

My eyes widened to the size of saucers when I looked down at the white powdery substance openly chopped up on the table. I mean, it was just sitting there. The bouncers in that joint clearly didn’t give two shits about drug usage. My eyes grew even wider when Alyssa’s crazy ass took the rolled up fifty dollar bill from the girl next to her and quickly bent down for a rather lengthy hit of the coke. 

“Goddamn that felt good!” she shrieked before directing her dilated pupils towards me. “Just one hit, Keyshia. It’ll make all of your anxieties and worries go away..” 

Stunned and too taken aback to speak, I managed to utter out a quick “no thanks”. I needed to get the hell out of there immediately. Before I had the chance to text Jason, Alyssa grabbed my hand and gave me a deep sincere apology for attempting to coerce me into taking drugs. I don’t know why I believed her, but I shrugged my shoulder and went back to sipping on my rum and coke. Alcohol was much safer than whatever they were doing although the high they were experiencing looked weirdly enticing…

Ten minutes later is when I felt it. 

I wanted to dance, no…I wanted to scream!! Or maybe punch someone? Hell, it felt like I could run ten miles and not even be tired. That’s how invigorating and energetic I felt. Everything moved in slow-motion. I think I saw surreal colors and images at some point??? There were moments where I seemed to have forgotten where I was. One second I was sitting in VIP, another I was on the dance floor with my hands on my knees; backing my ass up onto an unknown fella. I danced for what felt like hours with whoever I could find. I hadn’t felt so wild and free in years, my god. 

What the hell had gotten into me? I questioned a few times to myself throughout the night. Jason called my phone while I sipped on another one of those magic rum and cokes. He informed me that he was coming to pick me up as soon as possible, but I didn’t want to leave. I thought I was having the time of my life!

Around midnight, Jason, my beautiful knight in shining armor, showed up practically dragging me out of the club—or so it felt like. Once he had me in the town car safe and sound, I flirtatiously started placing kisses on whatever part of him I could get my hands on. My euphoric thoughts and feelings quickly transformed into the horniest I’d ever been. Jason was a good-looking man, but what my “drunk” eyes saw was the most beautiful man in the world. Who happened to be my husband. 

“Jason..” I slurred. “Ohhhh Jason, my fine ass husband. How was the rest of the event?”

He looked at me with eyes full of concern. “Baby…you’re drunk as fuck”.

“Yes yes. I know, but I want you…” I purred, maneuvering into a position that would allow me to give him a blowjob. All that needed to be done was for him to unzip the zipper to his slacks. “Let us end this night with a bang” 

I guess Jason figured I was coherent enough to initialize sex because the look I gave him caused his eyes to darken. He took a few seconds to caress my cheek before undoing his button and zipper. I hastily moved his hands aside and freed his dick on my own. As if I had an insatiable thirst for this man, I wasted no time getting down to business. I tried to start out slow and controlled but it quickly escalated into a sloppy top mixed with a handjob. Jason hadn’t got the works from me in a minute, so of course his reaction had heart eyes written all over it. He was squirming, groaning, and moaning so much that I thought the man was gonna magically combust. 

To stop himself from prematurely coming, Jason grabbed me and aggressively positioned me on top of him. I adjusted myself so that I was straddling the sides of his hips. 

Let’s just say he finally caved in and ripped that expensive ass dress right off of me. 

***************************** 

Next thing I remember was groggily waking up the next morning with a headache that pounded from every crevice of my skull. Jason rested peacefully beside me, occasionally letting out a soft snore. 

I sat myself up in the bed and stared into the open space trying to recollect. Any memory that came to me would help piece together that crazy ass night I had. Smoothing down my hair, I eventually got out of the bed and made my way into the bathroom to relieve myself. I also made sure to pop a few ibuprofen, hoping that it’d help to alleviate this damn headache.

Scrolling through text messages helped quite a bit. The first phone call I needed to make was to Alyssa. I wanted to know why I essentially blacked out after getting into the car with Jason. Even on my drunkest nights, I’ve never blacked out. 

She agreed to meet me at a coffee shop up the street from where I lived. On the way there, I began craving something but I couldn’t quite pinpoint what I wanted. Once I seated myself, I made sure to text Jason my location.

“Good morning, Keyshia. It’s good to see you again, love” Alyssa beamed. How could she look so radiant and awake while I looked and felt like complete shit? The girl even had the nerve to have on makeup and a cute outfit: ripped jeans and a nice dainty camisole. Her hair flowed freely past her shoulders.

I ignored her greeting and got right to the point once she was seated. “What happened last night? I felt out of control and I can barely remember what happened after I went home with Jason.” 

“What happened last night was you having an amazing time. You seemed to really enjoy yourself. You let loose! Is there a crime in that? Blacking out happens to the best of us.”

“Are you serious? I’m almost thirty-five, Alyssa. It doesn’t happen to me. I know good and damn well watered-down rum and cokes won’t have me feeling like I’m on fire..”

“Well if you’re going to accuse me of doing something…I’d rather you be more direct about it” she continued to brightly smile.

 It looked so fake. 

“I know what I saw..” I squinted my eyes.

Alyssa stared at me, no doubt waiting for me to confess that I wanted more of that feeling. Maybe that’s what I was craving. And I knew it wasn’t going to go away. 

“Did you spike my drink?”

“Keyshia…honey” she giggled. “Spike is a strong word. I honestly just wanted to loosen you up. Judging by the looks of it, I accomplished my goal. I bet the sex was phenomenal.”

Once again, I was completely taken aback. What was I to say?? Hell yeah the sex was phenomenal. Jason and I barely had time to do anything nowadays…but that sex last night changed the game. We went for hours it felt—once I started regaining my memory. He had me in multiple positions..in multiple areas in the house once we got there. Damn. I’d kill for another night like that with him. 

“Fact of the matter is…” Alyssa continued speaking “..and I’ll get straight to the point…you’re going to want more. It may not be now, but it’ll be soon.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“The shit I gave you was premium! Look, I mean no harm. Girl—”

Sighing, I rolled my eyes and sat back in my seat. “I’m not your homie, Alyssa. You fucking drugged me. I could go to the police.”

“I know” she nervously resumed. “B-but hear me out. You won’t become addicted. Do you see me? I’m fine. Almost everyone in the entertainment industry has a vice. You know, to take the edge off.”

“I’m not in the entertainment industry”

“Yes…but you’re married to someone who is. Might’ve well be. It’s obvious you’ve been stressed, no?”

“Jason’s more stressed than I am and he doesn’t do this shit.”

“Ok? He’s a good man. His vice is you and you guys’ daughter—“

“Don’t talk about my kid” I warned through clenched teeth. 

She playfully threw her hands up in defense. “Alright, fine. All I’m saying is…the love that he outpours to his family is clearly enough for him. I guarantee you that just a small hit of my…for lack of better words…candy…will be just enough for you to enjoy your life like it should be enjoyed.” 

Half of me couldn’t believe I actually contemplated what she said, but the other half knew all too well that the bouts of depression I was experiencing on and off could finally be cured. Even if it were a temporary sensation. 

“This could be our little secret. Here.” Alyssa picked her purse up from the floor and dug through it. Seconds later, she fished out a small gold bag about the same size of a coin purse. She then slid it across the table over to me. “Just in case your craving comes back. It’s a sample…on me.”

She upped and left the coffee shop before I had the chance to reject her offer. 

The next fifteen minutes of my life was spent staring at that damn golden bag. Never would I have thought this would be a decision I’d have to make.

Hesitantly grabbing the baggie, I slipped it into my own purse and left the shop.  

**********************

Four years after the coffee shop exchange, Sydney was soon to be fifteen. Jason and I were fifteen years into our marriage; and by that point I had fallen hopelessly down the rabbit hole. The “controlled” addiction that Alyssa Cambridge had gotten me so easily wrapped into was only controlled for a little less than a year. At first everything was more than perfect. Suspiciously perfect, actually. Our sex life was amazing, passionate, and better than ever. I became supermom! As Syd grew older, she started to cling on to me more since I was the parent with the “normal” life. Not to mention, my performance at work was at an all time high. But of course it all was too good to be true. 

Things had suddenly taken a turn for the worst when Jason’s personal accountant snitched on me. He told him that I’d been taking large amounts of cash from the bank once a month—tracking it all the way back to when I was on my second year. I managed to get away with a quick lie, but I knew I needed to be more careful. Hiding a flourishing drug addiction was a true pain in the ass; especially when you had a teenaged daughter that relied on you being there for her whenever she needed you. 

While Jason was at work one day, the damndest thing happened. Sydney had came home from school and found me on the kitchen floor with the shit I tried so hard to hide from her caked up in my nose. I was seizing but it would be impossible for me to forget the sounds of her dropping her book bag on the floor, running over to me, and letting out the loudest blood-curdling scream I’d ever heard. Soon after, I saw complete and utter blackness. 

Waking up in a hospital bed God only knows how much time later…I felt like l got hit by a big ass tractor trailer. My mouth felt extremely dry, everything around me provided a ridiculous amount of sensory overload, and I just felt flat out awful. Like I’d just waken up from actual death. 

“Oh she’s up” I faintly heard from a distance. My eyes focused on the blurry sight of Jason hovering over me. Seconds later, I heard the tone of his phone ending a call. “Keyshia? Baby, it’s me.”

“Jason” I could barely get out. My voice sounded so hoarse and weak. “What’s going on? What happened?”

He bent closer to me, placing his hands on both sides of my face, warm tears leaking from his eyes and splashing onto my cold cheeks. “I thought I lost you.”

Almost immediately after he said that, my memories came crashing back to me. The thoughts of denying a potential overdose, Sydney’s terrified facial expression when she found me, the sight of being in and out of consciousness in the ambulance…

“Oh god” I began freaking out, barely able to speak still. “…I fucked up. Where’s Syd-“

I cut my own self off once I noticed that I was cuffed to the hospital bed by some type of restraints. Frustrated, I furrowed my brows and tried yanking at them to see if they’d come loose. “Jason, what the hell??” 

“You overdosed on cocaine, honey, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to nip this shit in the bud before it gets any worse. But that’s another talk for later on. You’re still weak and the main focus right now is to nurse you back to health.” 

With every word he spoke, my heart continuously dropped. Deeper and deeper. He looked concerned but also very tired and it looked like he was stressed the hell out. How long had I been out?

“Are the cuffs really necessary?” 

“Yes” he gulped, taking a step away from me. “I’m afraid it’s for your own safety. You’ve been restrained for a few days.”

“Days?”

“Yes…look, there’s no easy way to say this Keyshia. But once you’re discharged from the hospital…you’re going to be escorted and checked in to a rehabilitation center. It’ll be top of the line, discreet-“

“No” I quickly cut him off, growing angrier with each word he spoke. “Stop this nonsense, Jason. I’m fine.”

Even I knew that was a lie.

Jason scratched at his five o’clock shadow and shook his head. “…how could I not see the signs? You worked and lived with me nearly everyday for the past couple of months. How could I not see this? You’re my wife for chrissakes. ” 

Man.

The image of him desperately trying to put this on himself made me want to burst out in tears. But I was too weak. Too wrapped up in my own little world about happened. Too…out of it to realize that I needed help. The love of my life stood there looking as normal as can be on the verge of tears because of my wrongdoings. 

“It won’t happen again, baby. I promise. I’ve been going through a lot lately and I just wanted to feel good, Jason. Please, I swear to you” I began pleading. Rehab sounded like prison to me and I wanted no part of it. Help would be nice but I didn’t want to be locked up somewhere just to get it. 

He closed his eyes for a few seconds before he spoke his next few sentences. “ I am so terribly disappointed in you. Fuck! Why didn’t you come to me about this earlier?? We’ve always had an open door policy. Why did it have to come to this for us to talk about this shit??” 

I stared at him with wide eyes, completely speechless. Tears of overwhelming emotion cascaded down my face, pooling around my neck into my collarbones. “I’m so sorry” I whispered. “I didn’t expect it to get this far but I assure you I am not addicted”

My mind must have been fighting my heart in that moment because hearing my own words leave my mouth made me feel disgusted with myself. How could I try and defend myself after an overdose? What right did I have? 

I knew it was a lie—saying I wasn’t an addict—but I still said it. Nature of the beast I guess.

The step Jason took backwards was soon reversed when he moved back towards me. Once again, he bent down to my level and placed my tear-ridden cheeks into his hands. Instinctively, he used his thumbs to help get rid of the continuous flow of tears. “This hurts so much, my love. God this hurts. I’ve spent days crying and beating myself up for what I am about to tell you but I believe it’s the right thing to do.” 

My heart began to beat so fast that I could hardly conjure up enough air to breathe. 

“You’re not seeing Sydney until you’re a month in.”

“What?!” I exclaimed at the highest my voice could get. 

Jason gazed right into my eyes, making this so much harder to deal with. “She’s not doing too well after finding you like that, Keysh” he paused. “She thought you were dying. And she still thinks you’re dying. I cannot and I will not allow my kid to see you like this.” 

“She’s my kid too, Jason. You can’t not let me see my daughter. Surely I can explain this to her-“

“No. You have those two options.”

Pissed off, I aggressively pushed him away from me, turned my head to the side, and mumbled for him to “go fuck himself”. I started to cry very softly. I knew I needed the treatment but the thought of not seeing Sydney for at least a month bothered the shit out of me. The last memory she’d have of me for a month was seeing me fucking seized out on our kitchen floor with cocaine falling from my nose. I couldn’t have that! She deserved better than that! 

Jason sat down in the chair next to the bed and spoke very quietly and calmly. Whenever he did that, I knew that he was actually quite pissed off. And the only way for him to talk without losing his cool was to speak in a low voice. “That’s fine, babe. You can paint me as the villain all you want but this is not going to be the cause of our demise, dammit. We are going to work through this and get back on track. Sydney’s safety is my number one priority in life, alright? You know that. And you know deep down that you’re leaving me with no choice here. So what’ll it be?” 

****