ANTHONY I

"Daddy I have to pee!"

"Zoe use your inside voice" I scolded my two and a half year old daughter. Everyone in the Macy's bedding department was looking over at us now and I was embarrassed.

"But I do have to pee!"

"You have to use the restroom" I corrected her "do you have to go Chloe?"

The little girl shrugged although she was the older twin by three minutes she was much more shy and reserved than her younger sister.

"Let's try okay" I told her "Daddy has some other things to pick up too so we won't be home for a while"

Chloe nodded and didn't say anything. I was wondering if she would ever start talking more I was getting concerned.

I finished purchasing the two toddler beds including the mattress, frames, pillows, and sheets. Between that and some of the clothes which included new winter coats (they'd probably outgrow by this time next year) I brought for them I already spent well over three hundred dollars.

Jesus Christ I only had them full time for a month how the hell did Crystal do this for almost three years? Three hundred dollars was usually something I could stretch and use for a little while as opposed to spending it all in one day.

I had to ask the saleswoman if she could keep the purchases behind the counter for me while I took the girls to the restroom.

"Daddy I have to pee!"

Zoe must have said for the thousandth time now I had no idea since I lost count. I was stuck though and Chloe stared up at me with a look of confusion. It also felt like a look of judgment as if she were questioning my parent decisions. Imagine that being judged by my own toddler.

This wasn't a good look.

What was I supposed to do?

Here I was a single thirty year old white father of two little biracial girls debating on which public bathroom to use.

Whenever mothers are out with their children who were too young to use the bathroom by themselves they simply took them into the women's room. Didn't matter if the child was a boy or girl nobody bats an eye since obviously mothers are the primary parent.

A boy would only follow his mother into the women's room until he's old enough to use the men's room by himself. Of course if I had boys I could take them into the men's room with ease and everyone would know they were my sons.

I didn't have twin boys though I had twin girls and I was in a tough spot as an opposite sex parent.

Should I take them in the men's room since it would look weird for a grown man to go into the women's room.

Should I just send them in the women's room and ask one of the women to accompany them?

The second option didn't really sit right with me because I knew they weren't fully potty trained and still wore pull-ups to bed so they would need some supervision.

Plus I didn't know any of the women from a can of paint and as much as people don't like to admit women can be child molesters just like men. It's just women were always given the benefit of the doubt.

Hell many of the women walking past me to get to their designated bathroom shook their head at me in pity and some in disgust.

"Daddy!" Zoe snapped me out of my thinking now yanking my hand and jumping up and down; indicating that her bladder wasn't going to wait any longer.

I had to suck up my pride the twins would just have to go into the men's room with me. I was their father not a child molester I had nothing to be ashamed of.

"Daddy why does that man have his pee pee out?" Zoe asked rather loudly as we entered the men's room.

The older gentleman who was using on one of the urinals quickly finished his business and zipped his pants up. He gave me a look of annoyance and embarrassment and rolled his eyes at me as he went to wash his hands.

This man had to believe that this was worst for me I didn't want to have to explain to my toddler why he was using the urinal.

I proceed to take the girls into one of the bigger stalls that I guess was for fathers since it had a diaper changing station. I took at least four or five cover tissues on the toilet seat and since Zoe had to really go I placed her on first.

I had to hold her arms to keep her steady since the seat was two times bigger than she was. I let out a deep sigh of relief as I heard the soft sound of urine hit the toilet water.

"A, T, C, G, F, B!" Zoe sang happily swinging her legs back and forth "H, I, V, O, M, Z!"

This wasn't really the appropriate time for her to chanting the alphabet out loud incorrectly but as long as she was going that's all that mattered.

"I can do it Daddy" Zoe insisted as she pulled off a little too much toilet paper to wipe making a mess

"No you better let me do it Zoe" I insisted as I wiped her then pulled her underwear and pants back up

Chloe went next while Zoe was swaying back and forth impatiently

"Chloe takes too long"

"Be nice to your sister"

"But she does Daddy"

Patience was obviously something I'd have to work on with Zoe. Eventually Chloe did go and now both of the girls were relieved. I figured I might as well go too since we were already in here

"Daddy now you have your pee pee out!" Zoe exclaimed giggling

I sighed it was a good thing we were the only ones in the restroom at that point. Now wonder parents make it their mission to embarrass their kids in their teen years it was obviously payback for moments like this.

I watched Zoe tear into another chicken nugget as her lips and cheeks were now caked with ketchup and salt while Chloe was still nibbling on her second waffle fry.

We stopped by Chick-fil-A for dinner since it was quick and easy and I wouldn't have to argue about all of the peas or carrots being eaten like I usually did.

Once Zoe was finished her nuggets she looked over at Chloe's untouched ones and reached over to take one. I immediately nipped that in the bud.

"Zoe those are Chloe's nuggets"

"She doesn't want them"

"Zoe"

The little girl pouted she had a very ravenous appetite for someone so tiny. I broke off a chuck of my chicken sandwich and gave it to her. The last thing I needed was for her to have another tantrum.

"Eat up Chloe" I encouraged her "your food is going to get cold"

"....where is Mommy?" she almost whispered

My heart sank while Zoe warmed up to me pretty quickly Chloe was still a little reserved and distant yet easygoing at the same time

"Mommy is in Heaven," I said patiently

"When is she coming back from Heaven?" Chloe insisted to her it would make sense for Crystal to come back from the dead

"Sweetie she's not going to come back"

"Why not?"

I ran my hand through my hair. I felt lost. I mean how do you explain death to a toddler?

"Why not?" she asked again

Even Zoe stopped eating to look at me for an answer but I didn't have one for them.

Crystal wasn't coming back and I was the only parent the girls had now.

Both the girls fell asleep on the car ride home and I wasn't about to wake them up. It had been a long day for both of them hell it had been a long day for me too.

I tucked them into bed hopefully I'd be able to put the toddler beds together soon because I was tired of sleeping on the couch. I dialed up one of the many people I counted on for the past month now.

"Hello?"

"Phoebe"

"Anthony?" she answered "is everything okay? Is it the girls---"

"The girls are fine they're sleeping" I said, "you can call me Tony you know"

"Anthony is fine" she insisted "is there anything you need?"

"Do you think can still you can stop by and braid the girls' hair on Sunday?"

Phoebe chuckled a little

"The ones I put in last week are already fuzzy?"

"Yeah" I admitted, "I'll pay you I just can't do their hair the way you and Crystal did"

"It's fine I'm their godmother Anthony"

"Along with their mother and grandmother you're on of the top people they ask for"

"They're not old enough to grasp the concept of death yet Anthony" she said, "they aren't even three years old yet"

I rubbed the temples in my forehead in tiredness and frustration

"You're right Chloe keeps insisting Crystal will come from heaven"

"They were in the car with her that day Anthony"

"I know"

My heart stung at that because I knew where I was that day.

"It's getting late and I have to finish this paper for class tomorrow night and I have be a work by eight in the morning"

"I better let you go then" I replied "you have a goodnight Phoebe"

"Goodnight Anthony"

One month earlier

"Tony could you please take the girls on Friday?"

"For the whole day?"

"Yes Anthony I have to go to my second job" Crystal said frustrated "would it kill you take care of your daughters for twenty-four hours?"

"I don't know Crystal I'm working full time to pay you child support every month"

"Do you want a cookie for doing what you're supposed to do?" she snapped back " I work full time too and I can't afford daycare then again I guess it must be nice being an every other weekend father; the girls rarely know you Tony"

"My girls know exactly who I am"

"Really I would have never guessed"

"Look I can't take them on Friday I have to work and I'm taking Brooke out to---"

"You're really prioritizing your girlfriend over our daughters?" Crystal said disgusted "never have I once prioritized James over the girls"

"Crystal it's not like that"

"That's what the hell it seems like"

"We've had the tickets to this show coming up for months"

"It's call being a parent Tony"

"It's not even my weekend to take them!" I snapped out of frustration immediately regretting those words

"Wow is that how you really feel Tony?"

"Now you're just twisting my words around"

"No you're saying exactly what you mean"

"Crystal I---"

"I'll just call my girl Phoebe" Crystal said defeated "at I know that she's willing to take her goddaughters"

"I hope you and Brooke have a good time because I remember when I used to love you that way"

Click.

It was the last conversation I had with Crystal I could never take those words back.

"Daddy we want pancakes"

Zoe nearly gave me a heart attack as I woke up to her jabbing her tiny finger on my chest. She managed to climb on top of me and was giggling while she tugged at my t-shirt.

Chloe stood by with her stuffed Paw Patrol Skye animal clutched to her chest as if she were there to simply follow her sister's lead.

Ever since I put those toddler beds together a few nights ago the girls could get out of bed easily since it was low to the ground.

It seemed like their favorite routine now was getting out of bed and waking me up early instead of the other way around.

It was Sunday so I might as well get up and get those pancakes going plus it was already ten and Phoebe would be here by noon.

I figured the girls would need something in their bellies while they sat through the routine of getting their hair done.

"Pancakes!" Zoe repeated "we want pancakes Daddy!"

"Zoe Simone Romano I heard you the first time" I chuckled giving her a raspberry kiss on the cheek as she turned into a fit of laughter.

"How about you Chloe?" I asked, "you want pancakes too?"

"I want bananas"

"No!" Zoe argued, "we want pancakes!"

At least had one kid who was willing to eat her fruit and veggies but it also saddened me to not hear her call me Daddy the way her sister did. In fact I can't even recall Chloe ever calling me Daddy and they had been talking since they were at least eighteen months old.

"Calm down little monster you can have pancakes and bananas too" I teased Zoe

Just as I was about to take the girls downstairs my phone rang

It was Brooke

"Oh so you remember that your girlfriend exists?"

"Brooke you know I've had my hands full with my daughters"

"But I want to come over" she whined, "I'm so horny and my pussy is aching---"

"Now is not the time Brooke"

"Can't you get their mother to watch them?" she said rudely and impatiently

"I'm going to pretend that you didn't just say that" I said stiffly "she's dead"

"Well then get your mother or a sitter or something----"

Click

Phoebe Jones arrived right on schedule with her bag of hair products and supplies ready to work magic that I was able to do.

"Afternoon Anthony"

"Phoebe thanks for coming" I greeted letting her in "I promise not to make this a habit"

"Anthony this is the fifth time I've done this" she laughed, "at this point it's pretty much a habit but I don't mind honestly I don't"

Before I could say anything more the girls quickly dashed in on us and they were jumping up and down in excitement.

"Bebe!"

"Bebe!"

"Bebe!"

"Hello girls" she opened her arms for their hugs "you two are getting so big!"

One thing was for sure the girls really did adore their godmother; Crystal really made an excellent choice in selecting her childhood friend for that role.

"Hair growing like weeds too" she complimented the afros the girls had now.

Their thick light brown cotton like hair now went past their shoulders. I had already taken their hair out last night in preparation for Phoebe to simply come over wash and style and braid.

"That's a good thing I hope," I said

"Of course" she explained "that means it's growing and healthy and looks like you have been moisturizing their hair just like I instructed"

After Phoebe washed and blow-dried the girls' hair I sat on the couch near by as she began the braiding process. I put on the movie The Princess and the Frog to entertain the girls and keep them distracted.

Zoe the little chatterbox was in the chair with Phoebe first while Chloe sat next to me for a while with her Skye pup still on her lap waiting for her turn.

"Bebe we have big girl beds now"

"Yes your daddy told me about that" Phoebe said as she worked her fingers quickly manipulating another strand of Zoe's hair into a plait "you and your sister like your big girl beds huh?"

"Yeah and Daddy got us lots of new clothes too"

"That sounds nice"

"Daddy took us into the boys bathroom at mall" Zoe went on to say, "I had to pee and Chloe had to pee and Daddy too"

"Oh" Phoebe said, "that's interesting"

"Daddy had his pee pee out to go" Zoe went on to say "it's a big one too---"

"Zoe why don't you tell your godmother about what you made in daycare" I cut her off a little embarrassed now and Phoebe did too.

I'm pretty sure the last thing Phoebe wanted to hear her two-year-old goddaughter talk about was my penis size.

"I made a turkey handprint" she said proudly "Daddy put it on the fridge"

"That's cool did you make it for Thanksgiving?"

"Yes" she went on to say "Chloe made one too it's next to mine"

When it was Chloe's turn I saw Phoebe begin to style her hair the same way she did Zoe's hair and tried coaxing her to talk more.

"That's a cute dog Chloe" Phoebe said "is she from Paw Patrol?"

"...yes" she replied "Mommy gave her to me"

I looked over at the cloud of sadness that masked Phoebe's face and I wasn't prepared for Chloe's next question.

"Do you know where Mommy is Bebe?" she asked, "when is she coming back?"

I could tell Phoebe didn't know what to say to that and instead asked

"Don't you like living with your daddy?"

"I want Mommy" she said simply her mindset. Perhaps Crystal had been right all along my girls rarely knew me especially Chloe.

With their hair freshly done the girls were now playing in their Fisher price kitchen play set; while I made some more small talk with Phoebe.

"I'm sure she didn't mean it" she said reading my mind "it's hard for having her mother here one day and gone the next"

"No it's fine" I said "I always told Crystal that Chloe was always a momma's girl while Zoe was always my second half; but I still want Chloe to open up to me she doesn't even call me Daddy"

"It will take time Anthony" Phoebe insisted, "she'll come around eventually"

"And what about you Phoebe how have you been taking in everything?"

"One day at a time" she answered "I try to keep busy with work and school and then there's times like these"

"I see what you mean"

"Chloe looks just like Crystal it's uncanny" Phoebe pointed out "Zoe looks like a good mix between the both of you; but Chloe is a dead ringer for a lighter Crystal"

"Have you been able to keep in touch with Mrs. Jamison?" she asked referring to the girl's maternal grandmother.

The girls only had two grandparents. Mrs. Loretta Jamison who was currently grieving the death of her daughter Crystal but still amazed me with how much she was still willing to be there for the twins. On Sundays when I had to work Mrs. Jamison would often take them to the children's Sunday school at her church, which was a big help.

My mother Theresa Romano of course who still stayed on good terms with Mrs. Jamison even after Crystal and I split to help with the girls. Plus my mother was very close to all eight of her grandchildren from my three brothers and sister so my girls were no exception. She knew every grandchild's full name, age, birthday, what grade they were in, all their likes and dislikes, basically everything under the sun.

I wish I could say that my girls technically had three grandparents but my father was a damn joke. Oscar Romano only acknowledged six of his grandchildren who were born fully white and fully Italian American so to him my girls were nonexistent. Every time we went over my parent's house he'd shake his head at them or say slick shit to piss me off about them.

"Two little moolies under my roof because my son just had to fuck that black bitch"

"Yes I have" I said "she's a big help and takes the girls whenever she can Zoe loves going to the Sunday school program at the church"

"It was the same one Crystal and I went to when we were little girls too" Phoebe smiled "I can see why she likes it"

"Should I get counseling for Chloe?" I asked her since she was getting a Masters in early childhood education and development "do you think she's too young?"

"If you want it could help" Phoebe replied "but just remember it's normal for a child her age to want to be with her mother; it's just that she can't."

I nodded pondering what to do because if Chloe didn't show any more signs of improvement towards me; I was definitely going to seek out  child counseling.

"Anthony I have to get going" Phoebe said breaking my thoughts again "I have an impatient cat who is probably looking for her dinner and some other things to do as well"

"Okay" I said as I dug in my wallet "thanks for coming by again Phoebe"

"Oh Anthony you don't have to really" she said as I fished out a hundred dollar bill

"Take it Phoebe" I insisted "because you and I both know that if I did their hair it they would both look like bird's nests"

She chuckled at my joke finding the truth in and accepted the payment.

"Alright girls your godmother is leaving come say goodnight" I called over to them and immediately they surrounded Phoebe once more.

Phoebe gave each of them hugs and kisses and wishing them goodnight.

"I'll see you girls again soon okay?" she promised, "you mind your daddy"

"Okay Bebe" Zoe agreed

"Bebe bring Mommy next time" Chloe insisted.

I sighed.

It was mostly my fault since I didn't bring either of the girls to Crystal's funeral; but I knew Chloe was going to have to eventually accept that her mother was gone.

"Goodnight Anthony"

"Goodnight Phoebe"

It was time to get the girls ready for bed and for me to get rid of all of the unwanted texts and messages that I know Brooke left on my phone.