Chapter 5

Emmy

For about an hour Ben goes through the files. I nervously sit across from him, watching. What has made me useful to my uncle is my gift with numbers and my ability to read people. My quiet nature gives others a reason to underestimate me. No one ever thought twice about the deaf girl in the room. As if being this way made me blind and dumb.  Flawed human thinking and my uncle readily took advantage of that.

 He trained me to see what others don’t.  Most hearing people think that we communicate our true feelings with our voice. I know better because I see it every day. What we think, what we feel, no matter how hard we try to hide it, shows in facial expressions. From our gestures to the simple way we move; body language is the one true language. And if you can understand it you’ll see the truth in every lie.

I know it better than ASL. I understand it better than most. A twitch of an eyebrow, a flare of the nostrils and I can point out a liar. I could peer into their eyes and show you a murderer. But I look at Ben and I see nothing of what I’m used to. And that scares me. I’m more comfortable in a room full of murderers and gangsters than I am, right now with him. Because I can read them. I understand them.

 “Pay attention, Princess.” My uncle would say just before one of his business meetings. “You have to make up for what you lack. You can’t hear the lies. So, I need you to see them.”

What lie is Ben telling himself as he clicks through the documents? Is he deceiving himself to believe that I’m not the person carrying his brother’s name on a “hit list”? Maybe he thinks this can all be easily explained away. Even though I know it can’t. The truth is there whether he wants to see it is another story.

Ben turns away from the computer screen and his icy blue gaze holds me in place.

“Who else have you shown this to?”

My hands move quickly in the front of me. “No one. The plan was to give this to Detective Morrison. She’s been after my uncle for years. She said if I gave her the right information, she could put him away for the rest of his life.”

“And what would happen to you?”

 “She offered me a plea deal…” I take a deep breath then let it out slow. “Ten years maximum.”

Ben blinks down at me in disbelief. A million thoughts running through his mind play back in his gaze. I try a reassuring smile, but it looks as fake as it feels.

“No.” He says firmly.

“It’s better than what I deserve.”  I shrug.

“That’s not your call to make.”

 “Ben, I paid those men to kill people. I laundered money willingly.  I’ve been a part of my uncle’s business dealings since I was six years old. I’m not innocent; I am a criminal.”

He shakes his head and leans his elbows on his desk. In his face is too much compassion. Now that he knows, I don’t want that from him. It isn’t justified.

 “There are other ways to handle this. Willingly giving up ten years of your life doesn’t come to mind.”

“Would you care if we hadn’t slept together?”

His mouth opens, the first words that meet his tongue disappear when his teeth bite down.

 “Last night has nothing to do with this. I would advise any client against a plea bargain that would go against their best interest.”

Ben halts my hands before I can sign my reply.

 “If you’re my client, then you are asking me to make sure the law works for you.”

My shoulders drop. I just want freedom and if it comes from inside of a jail cell, I’ll take it.

“You need to understand that this works for me.”

His gaze is stubborn now. He picks up his pen and starts jotting things down before speaking to me again.

“I will get in contact with this Detective. You’ll make your statement tomorrow morning. They’ll hold you for a few hours and I’ll get you released. After that we’ll fight any charge they bring up against you.”

My body goes numb as fear takes a hold of me.

“No!”

We look at my hands together as they tremble along with the rest of my body. I swallow down the feeling of my heart throbbing in my throat. Then I look back up at Ben. Now I’m under his microscope. Feeling the heaviness of his blue eyes scrutinizing my face.

“Fighting the charges means fighting my uncle.” I explain.  “It means prolonging this case. If I can put him behind bars, I would be making the world a better place. Ten years of my life is a small price to pay for that chance.”

Ben drops his pen and demands, “What do you even need me for? You have all the damn answers, Emmy.”

His anger tries to overcrowd the fear that has nestled against me. I feel them both overwhelmingly well and it hurts.

            “Uncle’s lawyers will try to railroad me. I-I’ve seen them do it before. An underpaid public defender would just let it happen. They will take the first check he cuts for them and run. But not you.”

            “Em-,”

            “If that happens my uncle will walk free.”

Visibly shaken, I’m unable to hide my own emotions now. And for a Chapman that’s considered worse than death.

“I researched you too. I’ve read about the cases you’ve won.  You don’t just care about the money. You try to right the wrongs, no matter the cost. I admire that, Ben.”

He leans forward and takes on my gaze. I drop my own away to think clearly, while I follow his lips.

 “Then you should know that I won’t let you take that deal.”

 “Please, this is the best thing you could do for me. My uncle isn’t worth the fight.”

“I don’t give a damn about him. You are worth the fight.”

I shake my head in dismay. Why can’t he understand that this is the right thing to do. That we can lose the battle but not the war. My Uncle has to go to prison. Or there won’t be any peace, for me, Alisha or Gray.

 “Did you know what the money you wired to those accounts was going to be used for?” He questions firmly.

            “Uncle is a gangster. All money is blood money. I didn’t know but I should have.”

“Should have known isn’t exactly prosecutable.”

“Stop.” I put my hands in front of him. “Don’t try to look for some redeeming quality in me. I promise, it isn’t there.”

            My uncle made me watch a lot of things. Bad things that I felt powerless to stop. But I am not perfect. Some of those things…I wanted to happen. I wanted the justice and the weight my name carries. I am a Chapman, and nothing can change that.

            “I won’t let you throw ten years of your life away. We will find another way.”

            Tears well up in my eyes. I don’t want him to know this side of me. The Chapman side that’s willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done. But it isn’t supposed to be this difficult. All he needs to do is say yes. Let me go and let me do what’s right for everyone.

“You don’t have a choice.”

            He raises an eyebrow questioningly.

            Guilt floods through me.

            “Gray will kill your brother. I put his name there and if you don’t help me, he’ll be dead by this time tomorrow.”

I fight back the tears as they threaten to blind me. But those words are what do it. They break that halo he saw floating around my head. I can see the shattered pieces glistening in his eyes and I feel them too.

“I’m sorry if I made you believe that I was completely different from the rest of my family. I’m not one hundred percent innocent. I am a Chapman.”

            I swear the world goes dark and my heart breaks apart. Mentally, I put up the Chapman shield, so not a single piece tumbles out. Then I bury the pain as far as it will go.

            “So it’s help you or bury my brother.”

            I nod solemnly. “A or B. You choose.”

            Ben’s eyes turn dark and impassable. His lips stiffen.

 “Fine. I’ll help you. But you need to understand something.” He pauses washing his hard gaze through me. “You are a job. And when we’re done here, I won’t want anything to do with you or any other Chapman.”

            I let his words sink in. The Chapman shield hardly holds up against them.

 “Last night doesn’t change the facts. And the fact is…we can’t be anything more than who we are right now.”

His lips twitch slightly. There is more to say but he holds back. He holds back and tries so hard to not give anything away.

We look at one another. I don’t want to read him. I don’t want to use this curse against him. But it’s all I know how to do. My uncle made me to see through people. See them for who they really are and understand how they see me. It’s harder with Ben but not impossible.

“Who am I right now, Ben?”

His eyes speak before his mouth. The flaw in us all. But they tell me who he thinks I am.  They tell me the truth.

You’re Damaged…

And I suppose he’s right. There’s more there but I can’t bear to look. I drop my gaze back to his lips and fight back the sting of tears.

“My client.” He says simply.

I sign back feeling a heaviness I’ve never had before. “Okay.”

“Good. From here on out, you’re going to need to trust me.”

“Trust is a foolish man’s currency.” Uncle’s warning sounds in my mind. “And it pays for nothing but heartache and pain. The only thing worse than it, is love. Above all things, never love, Princess. It is a trap.”

At least I don’t love Ben. I’m grateful that I’ve shown restraint there. When you’ve been deprived of it for so long, it’s natural to gravitate toward any ounce of affection and mistake it for what it is not. Classic Fool’s Gold. But I’m a smart woman. I know what last night was to us.

Ben and I scratched the itch that started in the library months ago. We were starving to feel that connection again and we used each other. We breathed air to the embers until flames roared to life. But by morning they died out. And that’s okay. The one thing I’ve always been good at is letting go and not wanting what I can’t have.

Ben

I swallow down my anger and it burns all the way to the pit of my belly. Emmy sees my white knuckles and the effort it takes me to not give away the effect her words have had. But it’s too late. Those big brown eyes see everything. So, I need to get out of here.

“You will speak with the Detective tomorrow down at the station.”

Emmy frowns. “Why not now?”

            Because I need more time. I blink away so she doesn’t catch that thought. Then I rise out of my chair rolling down my sleeves. Everything she said about me is right. I am a defense attorney for a reason. It’s my way of protecting people from sloppy police work and made up evidence. I work hard for my clients. I fight tooth and nail for them, and she won’t be any different.

            Emmy hits her knuckles against the desk to get my attention. I don’t give it to her right way. Looking at her now will ruin me further. It’s just clouds up my head. I need to work up my defenses when it comes to her and I can’t do that when we’re in the same space.  

            I move around her quickly. She’s so petite that I can see over her head without any problem, and I’m thankful. I feel her eyes but as long as I don’t look directly into them, I won’t give in. Emmy’s knocks become more urgent as I pull my suit jacket on and fix the collar. I glance at my watch and its just after three. It’s a horrible time for me to head over to my office but I’m going to anyway. I can think better there.

            At the front door of the penthouse she grabs a hold of my arm and tries to stop me from leaving. I turn around and her hands move between. It’s too fast. I miss most of what she is trying to say but understand the point.

            “I am going out”.  I sign and say aloud, frustratedly.

            Her perfect sleek black eyebrows meet in the middle of her forehead.

“Why?”

            “I have things to do in the office. Other clients. And since I wasn’t planning on a house guest for another night, I need to get us dinner. Or it will be cinnamon rolls again.”

            She purses her full lips and shakes her head. She doesn’t believe me and I’m not surprised.

            “Stay here. I’ll be back around seven.”

            “Please.” She says earnestly holding her palm out.

            “What?”

            This anger that’s boiling inside of me isn’t because of her. It’s for her. We both saw the way she reacted to meeting her uncle in court. She’s afraid of him and I’m sure he has justified that. Since she was a child he has had her under lock and key. A tool to use against his enemies. It isn’t right.

            “Please…don’t try to save me.” She urges.

            Don’t save her. I’ve only wanted to do that very thing, since we met. Ten years from now she could be anyone and have anything. She could have a career. A family. A life better than she could dream up. I won’t let her give that up. But this could never be just about saving her. This is about me.

            I can’t turn my back on someone in need. It’s not who I am. It isn’t what I stand for. She was right before. This world is unfair and if I can right a wrong, I’ll do it. That’s who, I am. But I won’t be used. I won’t be manipulated.

            I’ll help her put a bad man behind bars and then I will wash my hands of Emmy Chapman. But it will happen on my terms. Because bad men deserve to rot in jail, and I’ll be more than happy to put of them there. That’s who I am and what I do.

            “Everything,” I sign and speak. “Isn’t about you.”

            Her emotions aren’t hidden away, despite how hard she tries. Her pain is on full display in the shadow of her eyes. I see it in the soft curve of her lips. Feeling exposed, Emmy backs away from me. Then I leave the penthouse, locking the door behind without a second look back. In the next moments I’m in my Porsche fighting my anger alongside New York City traffic and trying not to think of those achingly beautiful, sad eyes as they rip through me.