Chapter Two – Stranger

I hurt.

My body hurt, my muscles tense, my head throbbing something fierce. When I opened my eyes, a painfully bright light greeted me. It was morning, I realized and I was alone in a strange room. It was not a dream then. It was not some morbid fantasy my mind had conjured up nor was it some sordid nightmare I could forget. It had happened, it was real, and it was unalterable. My skin was sweaty, sore and I felt filthy as though covered by invisible grime that marred my skin. All I wanted to do, all I felt like doing was crawling under the sheets and never seeing the sight of day again.

Not this bed!

I woke up then, completely and in utter hasty swung my legs off the bed. Ignoring the balking pain shooting up my legs and the fire burning between my thighs I got up. However, my feet were wobbly, my head a little more than dizzy, and a severe pain pierced every inch of my skin. I took a deep breath, stalling myself in momentary stillness, and then I took another deep breath, trying desperately to calm myself down. I could not stay in this room, I could not stay anywhere within this vicinity. This was ground zero and I needed to jet. I grabbed the sheet, scrunching my nose is disgust as I did so, well aware of the invisible evidence decorating the fabric and wrapped myself a toga.

Just in case.

I was not completely sure I was here all alone. HE could still be here, waiting. God, I prayed not. I wished I possessed the power to transform myself into a bird that way I could fly away into obscurity but wishes were definitely not horses. Silently, almost feeling like a thief in the night, I crept out of the room slowly, my heart pounding inside my chest.

My senses were in high alert and when I entered an empty living room, I sighed in relief. I glanced at the space I had stood on the night before looking for my clothes. That glance was a mistake; I froze in place gripped with the same terror I had felt the night before. I shook the particular flash of memory, of me sobbing soundly as I unbuttoned my shirt, away. My clothes were not there. Swallowing my panic attack, I glanced around the velvet colored room and saw my clothes folded neatly on a love seat with my bag and phone for company. I got dressed in a hurry, as fast as I could really despite everything.

Please god, I pleaded, get me out.

A silly little prayer for a silly little girl. A glance out the corner of my eyes relieved a clear table, the files no longer there, just like the owner. I wore no underwear, assuming there were still in the bed and lacking the guts to go back. I was not about to let myself walk back into that room, not for all the money in the world. I should have thought of that the night before, maybe if I had not seen only the dollar signs I would have realized just what I had agreed to. I would not have gotten myself in such a distasteful position. I should have looked myself in the mirror before leaving that apartment, I felt disgusting, chances were I looked as I felt, but I just wanted to get out.

Thus, my first ever walk of shame began.

I did not look back when I walked out the empty hall, I dared not breathe until I had rode the elevator to the ground floor and my body left the building altogether. There had been a couple of people in the lobby, an elderly couple and a desk agent, whose looks and presence I ignored. I felt as though I was being judged and I hated it. I knew I was in the richer part of the city; everything was so clean and clear, even the air, which was completely ridicules. I was completely out of my depth without any certain knowledge of where exactly I was. The day before I had arrived in a car, a car sent for me specifically. I should have known then…I should have known.

I shook.

I wanted to forget, I wanted to not have everything replaying in my mind. There was no need to remember, I told myself, trying to convince myself to forget. I shook, physically shook the memories of the terror, the tears, the pain to the back of my mind. I took a deep breath as a bolt of pain shot through my stomach when I raised my hand for a cab. There was no way I was going to make things even more difficult for myself by searching for the subway or bus the way I was feeling. The fewer people, though strangers, who saw me in this state the better. I entered a random cab, one of three that had screeched to a halt.

"Hello, Love" I was greeted by a black man donning a Jamaican accent, who had turned his head towards me with a big ol’ toothy smile that I did not return.

"Mount Sierra University" I answered the unasked question, and instantly looked out the window to the outside word as the ride began. I felt him glance back a couple of time through the rear mirror but I paid his curiosity no mind and instead worn myself out trying not to think about anything. Anything that would lead back to how I got myself into this predicament. It seemed however that the further distance I got from the scene of the crime the better I was able to compose myself. It was difficult to sit still the whole way but I managed even with my butt screaming in defiance.

I arrived on campus, finally and after paying the cab fare walked towards to the dorms. The campus was filled with people, students and teachers alike. I tried to walk with purpose; I did not feel like chatting with anyone now. I knew, just knew I would not be a pleasant person to be around. I also knew that walking fast, with my head bowed and distracted was the best way to reach my destination. I lived in a gender-natural dorm; it meant that men and women could live in the same building, different floors but same building. My room was in the second floor, the girls’ floor and when I got to my room, I almost dropped to my knees in gratitude.

Elena, my roommate, was not there.

Thank the Lord Jesus, I do not think I would be able to explain myself well but now I had sufficient time to compose myself, make myself somewhat presentable. I needed a shower though I loathe having to leave my room and I needed to burn these clothes. There was a public shower room on each floor with 1/2 a dozen shower stalls at least and I rushed to one without hesitation, I could not stand the disgust I felt at this harboring HIS smell on my body. Grabbing my essentials, I went on my way.

I was greeted by the sound of giggling chatter just as I walked into the shower room. I barely resisted the urge to roll my eyes. A few girls crowded the mirrors chatting away in pure pleasure. My day could not get any worse.

"Hey Elyshia" The one nearest the door said as soon as she saw me. Strawberry blonde hair, glasses and a completely lovely face to match the chipper tone of voice. I knew she was in one of my classes but unsure which one.

"Hi" I whispered, walking to a shower stall.

"Wild night" A new voice stated in rather suggestive voice, followed by wild laughter from the rest.

I ignored both the suggestive tone and the laughter as I entered the small three-walled stall and closed the door. The girls still spend a considerable time there, their laughter ripping open this hallow place in my heart. They were happy, it showed, yet it seemed so unfair that anyone could be so happy when I was in such a miserable state. The day was brilliant, with the sun shining bright and warm. A day for walks in the park or a romantic picnic. A day to play on swings or swim in a pool.

Yet, I could not enjoy such a day.

Not now, not after... not when I was filled with such rage, despair and sorrow. When everything had changed so drastically that, nothing could ever be the same. Not when I felt like I had betrayed everything, I had ever believed in. How could I? What in the world possessed me so? Though I tried not to, though I wanted to forget, last night's episode made a comeback. My mind filled with filtered images. My tears returning to accompany me on this ride back to the past.He was thrusting inside me; it had felt like my insides were being ripped apart with the unadulterated force he applied.

Tears stung my eyes at that particular vision.

My screams of terror at the pain did nothing to hinder his movement. My hands moving without thought to grip his shoulder hard.

I shuddered in disgust.

I took the scrubber and began to scrub away all evidence of my defilement, of him ever touching, ever being inside me.

I said no,I thought as I scrubbed hard wanting to clean myself raw, I said no and I asked him to stop.

My skin burned with pain as the object scratched away at my body. I did not stop, the pain was welcomed. It distracted me from the flashes of memories that threatened to overwhelm me so. He should have stopped, no matter our agreement, no matter the deal. I asked him to stop and he should have stopped no matter the situation. That made it rape, I was raped. The tiny splinter-like pain combined with the bolts the lighting in my stomach in addition to the burning pain the scrub enticed had me crushing on the floor. I was under the showerhead, letting the cold water attack my body. I sat, my back upon the wall, my knees hugging my chest and remembered."No, stop please" I whispered as he drove himself inside me, fear descending upon me as I sobbed. It felt as though I would die in that moment with him on top of me moving inside me. His hands were rough, grabbing my breast while he grunted above me in pleasure. But my arms gripped his neck tighter, holding on for dear life.

Dammit, I said no.

I had to call the cops, I should call the cops. But even as I thought of it, I knew that I could not. I had made a deal, I had agreed to his proposition and to my never-ending disgust and utter shame, thought my lips said no, my body had screamed the opposite.

His attack did not soften but everything seemed to have changed somehow, his kiss from harsh to soft. Sensually his tongue stimulating my senses, his hands moving towards where our bodies met.

"Oh my God" I whimpered tightening my grip, twisting my body trying to stop my hips from moving. My urge to escape fought with this thrusting urge to drive him further still inside me. The pain was still there, but my body had long since accommodated the pain. Something new was happening in a place inside my body, a new thrilling sensation at the edge of the pain. My hips responding to the force he was inflicting on me, the clothes stinging my skin. My legs swung up to grip his hips, drawing him further, urging him deeper into me. His lips claimed mine again as he picked up speed, intensifying the moment as he took me for a rough but pleasurable ride. I responded, moaning at each thrust, inviting the penetration.He was like a force of nature, a typhoon whose waves brought on an onslaught of emotions from the surface down to the center of my soul, I found myself caught in a twisted combination of ecstasy, fear and pain. Then when I thought I would die in pleasurable agony, it happened. Like a star exploding in the center of my soul, I flew up high to the heavens and back, it felt like death and life, and everything impossible was taking place inside me. It was pure ecstasy, pure pleasure, and pure satisfaction.

I climaxed.

He got me off. I had an orgasm. I had allowed myself to get lost, get lost in the moment, and get lost in the sensations rocking my body. What was I? What did that make me? How could I? What kind of twisted person would get off in a situation like that? I was caught up in a whirlwind of conflicting emotions warring inside me, of the memory of him taking me to impossible heights. The water raining down on my body could not make me clean, it could not wash away the stench of shame in my soul. I sobbed harder, the hollowness inside my chest opening up even wider.

I do not know how long I sat on that shower stall, how long I cried or how long I kept replaying that horrible moment. Finally, the tears refused to come out. Though I did not want to, I knew I could not stay in there forever; I turned the water off and went out stopping to look at myself in the bathroom mirror. Black lifeless eyes stared back. I felt worse that I looked, I looked normal. My dark face round, small black freckles decorating the top of my nose. My braids were lose and hanging about my shoulders and back. I looked like me, so why the feeling that I was gazing at an absolute stranger. I walked down the hallway back to my room in a haze. When I got back to my room, I did the one thing I wanted to do all along.

I crawled in my bed, under my covers shutting myself from the world.